recently re-read through this blog.
i've been in kensington 3 months.
i laugh at my previous post of hoping to have a dramatic change in my social life by relocating to the hood. i had hope of becoming a morning person. i had hope of being more focused. of being less spread out. of being less social. of having deeper but fewer friends.
hm... change must start on the inside. change is only from God.
i tried to change myself by changing my circumstances. i was hoping that no one would call me to hang out since i was in the hood. i thought my life would be easier if no one would call me if they needed a place to stay since i lived in a 'dangerous' neighbourhood.
ha. ha. ha.
what's been happening is that it seems like more people are calling to hang out. or even just showing up at my door. more people are visiting whether to spend time, or out of worry, or to catch up. more people are asking for a place to stay, whether to need a place to stay, or because they don't like that i'm staying here by myself in a dangerous hood. it's even harder to say no to social things. i'm waking up way later because i can make it to work door-to-door in 6 minutes. i'm staying up late trying to plan to try to plan to try to plan how to get all the home renovations done.
okeee. so i can't change myself by running away. some things are perhaps just inherent w/ my personality and how i've been conditioned for ministry. i surrender. and i embrace it. this is how God made me. no need to be uptight about things.
so, this new attitude is helpful. i'm enjoying all the visitors more. i am learning to say no to more things and to set aside time to rest. i am trying to be more intentional with spending time w/ others. i'm okay with having a zillion people in my life. i can't control that. and the less i try to control that, the less stressful life becomes.
speaking of internal change... my prayer for kensington is not that the dilapidated homes will be made new, or that the abandoned lots will be all turned into parks, or that rich developers will come and nice-i-fy or gentrify the hood. that would be superficial change. my prayer is that the people of the community would see their worth as God's people, that they are not trash, that they are empowered by the Holy Spirit, and not disempowered by society, that they are called to work whether they have 'real jobs' or not, that they are called to take care of each other and love their neighbours, that they are to raise their children according to the ways of the lord, that they are to honour their parents.
once this identity change happens, then people will start picking up the trash, people will start going to school, people will start picking the lice outta their hair, people will eradicate their bed bugs, people will stop killing each other over drugs, people will stop abusing their family members, parents will quit letting their kids skip school, sugar will stop poisoning people's bodies, i won't have to do any more root canals, and we can be functional together.
Monday, October 22, 2012
on failure
one patient was telling us about her 12 yr old daughter. rolls her eyes. "i gotta take her to WIC later today."
me: "wait. the women and children thing?"
patient: "yup."
me: "wait. for you? or for her?"
patient: "she's 5 months pregnant."
me: "your daughter? isn't she 12?"
patient: "yup." rolls eyes. pauses. then BURSTS INTO TEARS. "i feel like such a FAILURE."
umm.. intense moment alert! i gotta calm her down so she's not as anxious when i pull out her molar. good thing both my assistant and receptionist happen to be in the room too.
"no!" they console her. "these things happen!" (in their world, it's more common. but it doesn't really happen in the world i came from.) "the important thing is that you are there for her now. you are going to support her through this, because she is going to need your help." they encouraged her.
patient: "yes, she is going to finish school. i'm going to help as much as i can. i'm sorry. i felt like a failure before. but i think i've gotten over that. my mother put things into perspective for me. i mean, at least she's not out on the streets doing drugs or selling her body."
we prayed for her not to be scared about removing her tooth, and then prayed for her family. i took out the tooth and had to plow through the rest of the crazy day. most of the time i do not feel like a dentist. WTH am i doing. anyway....
with the job that i do, i think a lot about humanity, this world, the human condition, what's biblical and what's right, what are man-made definitions of life, and what are God's kingdom definitions of life...
sometimes i see mothers who are so amazing and awesome. they can raise multiple children the exact same way. maybe 4 of them turn out 'successful'. and then there's one 'black sheep'. so what happened here?
often in the community where i work, i see mothers who might easily be considered 'incompetent'. some openly love their children. some clearly do not love their children. sometimes it's hard to tell who loves and who doesn't, because our world has such as skewed/diverse/non-biblical view of what love is. some people may think that love is buying their kids candy all the time; perhaps because they want their kids to be happy, rather than healthy. and some are clearly just overwhelmed and find that is the only way to get the kids to stop bothering them.
i thought about my patient's statement. that she says she doesn't feel like a failure anymore. that "at least she's not doing [insert something 'worse' than being pregnant at age 12 here]"
BUT, what do you tell the mother who does have a child on drugs, or a child who is selling his/her body? are they failures?
thankfully for the whole world, the Gospel says that we are ALL failures.
i know that may sound like bad news. but to me that is such good news.
that God sends his son Jesus. that Jesus leaves heaven to come to a jacked up world. that Jesus doesn't just die for people who try hard, or are 'good enough', but he dies AND LIVES for everyone and anyone.
me: "wait. the women and children thing?"
patient: "yup."
me: "wait. for you? or for her?"
patient: "she's 5 months pregnant."
me: "your daughter? isn't she 12?"
patient: "yup." rolls eyes. pauses. then BURSTS INTO TEARS. "i feel like such a FAILURE."
umm.. intense moment alert! i gotta calm her down so she's not as anxious when i pull out her molar. good thing both my assistant and receptionist happen to be in the room too.
"no!" they console her. "these things happen!" (in their world, it's more common. but it doesn't really happen in the world i came from.) "the important thing is that you are there for her now. you are going to support her through this, because she is going to need your help." they encouraged her.
patient: "yes, she is going to finish school. i'm going to help as much as i can. i'm sorry. i felt like a failure before. but i think i've gotten over that. my mother put things into perspective for me. i mean, at least she's not out on the streets doing drugs or selling her body."
we prayed for her not to be scared about removing her tooth, and then prayed for her family. i took out the tooth and had to plow through the rest of the crazy day. most of the time i do not feel like a dentist. WTH am i doing. anyway....
with the job that i do, i think a lot about humanity, this world, the human condition, what's biblical and what's right, what are man-made definitions of life, and what are God's kingdom definitions of life...
sometimes i see mothers who are so amazing and awesome. they can raise multiple children the exact same way. maybe 4 of them turn out 'successful'. and then there's one 'black sheep'. so what happened here?
often in the community where i work, i see mothers who might easily be considered 'incompetent'. some openly love their children. some clearly do not love their children. sometimes it's hard to tell who loves and who doesn't, because our world has such as skewed/diverse/non-biblical view of what love is. some people may think that love is buying their kids candy all the time; perhaps because they want their kids to be happy, rather than healthy. and some are clearly just overwhelmed and find that is the only way to get the kids to stop bothering them.
i thought about my patient's statement. that she says she doesn't feel like a failure anymore. that "at least she's not doing [insert something 'worse' than being pregnant at age 12 here]"
BUT, what do you tell the mother who does have a child on drugs, or a child who is selling his/her body? are they failures?
thankfully for the whole world, the Gospel says that we are ALL failures.
i know that may sound like bad news. but to me that is such good news.
that God sends his son Jesus. that Jesus leaves heaven to come to a jacked up world. that Jesus doesn't just die for people who try hard, or are 'good enough', but he dies AND LIVES for everyone and anyone.
the six minute commute
walking down G street this morning i witnessed a little boy wearing a leather jacket, prolly about 7 or 8 yrs old, maybe 3 foot 10 inches tall, walks out of the corner store, spots one of his buddies across the street, points to him and nods his head as if to say, "yo", then calmly and cooly walks down the sidewalk sippin on his capri sun.
later today...
walking back to work after lunch and i glimpsed the thug walking behind me, ubiquitous young man of colour, prolly 21-23, wearing warmups and sneakers, into his music w/ his earbuds in the ears.
typical music in the hood is rap or hiphop or bachata or some spanish love ballads.
to my surprise he starts belting, "maaaaajesty, maaaaaajesty" pause.... "maaaaajestyyyyy" pause... "your grace has found me just as i am"... pause "maaaajesstyyyyyy"...
he was pretty out of tune. but it was pretty awesome that someone is singing a new song in the neighbourhood. i was tempted to fill in with the lines that he didn't know well enough to sing along ("empty handed but alive in your hands...") or perhaps start harmonizing... but i didn't want to invade his moment of personal worship.
that song always reminds me of junior year praise night skit when we used to have transparency projectors and did a silhouette skit of the crucifixion. yeah!!!
later today...
walking back to work after lunch and i glimpsed the thug walking behind me, ubiquitous young man of colour, prolly 21-23, wearing warmups and sneakers, into his music w/ his earbuds in the ears.
typical music in the hood is rap or hiphop or bachata or some spanish love ballads.
to my surprise he starts belting, "maaaaajesty, maaaaaajesty" pause.... "maaaaajestyyyyy" pause... "your grace has found me just as i am"... pause "maaaajesstyyyyyy"...
he was pretty out of tune. but it was pretty awesome that someone is singing a new song in the neighbourhood. i was tempted to fill in with the lines that he didn't know well enough to sing along ("empty handed but alive in your hands...") or perhaps start harmonizing... but i didn't want to invade his moment of personal worship.
that song always reminds me of junior year praise night skit when we used to have transparency projectors and did a silhouette skit of the crucifixion. yeah!!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
laugh at least once a day.
i would like to laugh at least once a day. i think i always do.
today i extracted #17 on E. he was super scared and needed his gf to come in the room w/ him for moral support. after the injection, he exclaimed, "ayeeee!!! this is why i don't go to the dentist!!!"
and then i made fun of him for having multiple tattoos and cannot handle a 27 gauge needle. and his gf laughed. we only make fun out of love.
after the tooth came out, he was impressed, "that's it?!"
me: congrats, it's a boy!
gf: hahahahaha
me: just kidding.
gf: wow, that's so small.
E: lemme see it!
me: size doesn't matter here.
gf: hahahahaha.
me: would you like to see it?
E: lemme see!
gf: he's beautiful!!!!
me: hahahahaha
E: eeeewwwww!!!!!
E: eeeeewwwwwwww!!!!!
E: eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!
E: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
me: you just said 'ew' four times in a row!
gf: hahahhahah
E: lemme keep him!!!
gf: HIM?!!!
assistant ty: what's his name?
me: hahahahaha
E: his name is toothy!
ty: hahahahhaah
me: you can have it but we gotta clean it first.
E: yessss!!!!
gf: gross
me: are you going to make a necklace out of it?
E: yessss!!!!!
today i extracted #17 on E. he was super scared and needed his gf to come in the room w/ him for moral support. after the injection, he exclaimed, "ayeeee!!! this is why i don't go to the dentist!!!"
and then i made fun of him for having multiple tattoos and cannot handle a 27 gauge needle. and his gf laughed. we only make fun out of love.
after the tooth came out, he was impressed, "that's it?!"
me: congrats, it's a boy!
gf: hahahahaha
me: just kidding.
gf: wow, that's so small.
E: lemme see it!
me: size doesn't matter here.
gf: hahahahaha.
me: would you like to see it?
E: lemme see!
gf: he's beautiful!!!!
me: hahahahaha
E: eeeewwwww!!!!!
E: eeeeewwwwwwww!!!!!
E: eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!
E: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
me: you just said 'ew' four times in a row!
gf: hahahhahah
E: lemme keep him!!!
gf: HIM?!!!
assistant ty: what's his name?
me: hahahahaha
E: his name is toothy!
ty: hahahahhaah
me: you can have it but we gotta clean it first.
E: yessss!!!!
gf: gross
me: are you going to make a necklace out of it?
E: yessss!!!!!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
smelliness
the other day we had a dramatic day in clinic. seriously, like all the most complicated patients happened to be scheduled on the same day and they all happened to show up.
God must really love us and wants us to experience Him (through suffering/sanctification). hah.
anyway. T shows up with her 3 kids. she doesn't really have a major tooth issue, but i wanted to see her because i wanted to refer her to our social workers. i felt dumb for not thinking of it before. it was pretty clear that she needed help, but i dunno why it never occurred to me. it took a lot of deliberation on behalf of my very compassionate and astute auxiliary team for that thought to click. so, after polishing her filling (it was 'rough') i asked if she had ever talked to a social worker before, and if she was interested in doing that. i explained that our social services managers are great because they could refer her to a lot of resources. there is a ton of aid for single mothers, especially.
back story is that, T is 25, three kids ages - 5, 3, 1. parents abused her throughout life. she eventually got kicked out of the parents house. youngest baby was the result of a stranger rape off the street. everyone smells like urine. 5 year old touched the white counter top with her hand and it turned black. toddler and baby have major diaper rash, visibly spreading out of diaper to thighs. first time i saw the baby, he pooped his diaper. i told mom that she could change him if she wished, and not to worry about making me wait. she said she would prefer to just get the dental checkup over and done with and offered to "just wrap him in a blanket". so she rolled him up in a blanket like a burrito and we did a knee-to-knee exam. wth? ... T is struggling w/ depression, stuff like that. she's currently homeless, but occasionally her mom will help w/ the kids (once per week), and then i guess the oldest child's baby daddy (+new girlfriend) have taken them all in, just to help out. but apparently he is stealing her food stamps. i unfortunately see a lot of "the other baby mama" interactions. sigh.
on top of that, i recently discovered that T's father was a pt i had seen when i first started working... he had just gotten a sex change. so, i guess that makes him a grandma now.
i once saw HER on the streets walking with a stroller and baby, prolly the 1 yr old, now that i look back. it blows my mind to think about the baby's worldview and concept of 'grandma/pa' and how it'll differ from what he sees in all the children's books/movies/tv. i mean, not just the fact that grandma is trans-sexual, but she also has tattoos randomly located all over her body (looks like a kid stuck stickers all over her), multiple piercings in both cheeks, and the fact that s/he was staying w/ his/er wife.
T seems interested in talking to a social worker and even waits in the waiting room until she can come upstairs to assess and refer. DHS was not anywhere on my radar. but for some reason T suddenly became very anxious once social services came upstairs to talk to her. the kids became more outta control. there was a ton of commotion/noise coming from them.
T denied that the kids were always in that filthy external condition.and that today was the exception. we knew that it was not. but we also knew that T consistently also smells like urine. perhaps her nose just got used to the smell. and once we are dirty for several days, we forget how dirty we are, i guess.
as heart-breaking as this situation may be, i was convicted of my own sin and depravity. how it's easy to just get used to the smell. and God sees all of our sins as putrid. THE SMELL is repulsive to Him. the more i'm in it, the less i can smell it. the less i notice. i just live with it. but it doesn't mean that others can't smell it. and it doesn't mean that the smell doesn't exist.
God must really love us and wants us to experience Him (through suffering/sanctification). hah.
anyway. T shows up with her 3 kids. she doesn't really have a major tooth issue, but i wanted to see her because i wanted to refer her to our social workers. i felt dumb for not thinking of it before. it was pretty clear that she needed help, but i dunno why it never occurred to me. it took a lot of deliberation on behalf of my very compassionate and astute auxiliary team for that thought to click. so, after polishing her filling (it was 'rough') i asked if she had ever talked to a social worker before, and if she was interested in doing that. i explained that our social services managers are great because they could refer her to a lot of resources. there is a ton of aid for single mothers, especially.
back story is that, T is 25, three kids ages - 5, 3, 1. parents abused her throughout life. she eventually got kicked out of the parents house. youngest baby was the result of a stranger rape off the street. everyone smells like urine. 5 year old touched the white counter top with her hand and it turned black. toddler and baby have major diaper rash, visibly spreading out of diaper to thighs. first time i saw the baby, he pooped his diaper. i told mom that she could change him if she wished, and not to worry about making me wait. she said she would prefer to just get the dental checkup over and done with and offered to "just wrap him in a blanket". so she rolled him up in a blanket like a burrito and we did a knee-to-knee exam. wth? ... T is struggling w/ depression, stuff like that. she's currently homeless, but occasionally her mom will help w/ the kids (once per week), and then i guess the oldest child's baby daddy (+new girlfriend) have taken them all in, just to help out. but apparently he is stealing her food stamps. i unfortunately see a lot of "the other baby mama" interactions. sigh.
on top of that, i recently discovered that T's father was a pt i had seen when i first started working... he had just gotten a sex change. so, i guess that makes him a grandma now.
i once saw HER on the streets walking with a stroller and baby, prolly the 1 yr old, now that i look back. it blows my mind to think about the baby's worldview and concept of 'grandma/pa' and how it'll differ from what he sees in all the children's books/movies/tv. i mean, not just the fact that grandma is trans-sexual, but she also has tattoos randomly located all over her body (looks like a kid stuck stickers all over her), multiple piercings in both cheeks, and the fact that s/he was staying w/ his/er wife.
T seems interested in talking to a social worker and even waits in the waiting room until she can come upstairs to assess and refer. DHS was not anywhere on my radar. but for some reason T suddenly became very anxious once social services came upstairs to talk to her. the kids became more outta control. there was a ton of commotion/noise coming from them.
T denied that the kids were always in that filthy external condition.and that today was the exception. we knew that it was not. but we also knew that T consistently also smells like urine. perhaps her nose just got used to the smell. and once we are dirty for several days, we forget how dirty we are, i guess.
as heart-breaking as this situation may be, i was convicted of my own sin and depravity. how it's easy to just get used to the smell. and God sees all of our sins as putrid. THE SMELL is repulsive to Him. the more i'm in it, the less i can smell it. the less i notice. i just live with it. but it doesn't mean that others can't smell it. and it doesn't mean that the smell doesn't exist.
back to blogging
part of the reason i haven't been able to blog this past year was because there's been too much going on in my head regarding moving to kensington.
last summer in june, renee and maegen were looking for a place to live. they asked if i wanted to join them, and if i wanted to live in kensington. i said i wasn't ready to leave my roommate situation in chinatown yet, but if the opportunity came up to purchase a house in kensington, i would buy it and rent it to them.
a few days later i found myself w/ renee, ruth and tara walking around the neighbourhood, looking at homes w/ "for sale" signs and talking to the neighbours. we met a lot of memorable people, and i got to see what types of homes were for sale/compare what kinds of costs are involved.
anyway, an entire saga ensued.more on this later...
one year later, God provided a house and the funds to buy it, and i'm moving on saturday to tha 'hood. i guess i've always wanted to 'do missions'. so this kinda feels like that. but also not really. coz i just needed a place to live. and it's also my dream to roll out of bed and walk to work.
this move will definitely cause a lifestyle change. it'll be kinda like guatemala again, where i gotta be in by a certain time coz otherwise it's too dangerous to be outside. and so perhaps i will be a morning person. i'm going to have to depend on my neighbours, coworkers, church family A LOT, and learn how to ask for help.
since i will be a homebody (yay!)... hopefully... i will have time to read, write, pray, arts and crafts. maybe. or i may simply resort to my busybee, getting to know a lot of new people destiny. sigh.
last summer in june, renee and maegen were looking for a place to live. they asked if i wanted to join them, and if i wanted to live in kensington. i said i wasn't ready to leave my roommate situation in chinatown yet, but if the opportunity came up to purchase a house in kensington, i would buy it and rent it to them.
a few days later i found myself w/ renee, ruth and tara walking around the neighbourhood, looking at homes w/ "for sale" signs and talking to the neighbours. we met a lot of memorable people, and i got to see what types of homes were for sale/compare what kinds of costs are involved.
anyway, an entire saga ensued.more on this later...
one year later, God provided a house and the funds to buy it, and i'm moving on saturday to tha 'hood. i guess i've always wanted to 'do missions'. so this kinda feels like that. but also not really. coz i just needed a place to live. and it's also my dream to roll out of bed and walk to work.
this move will definitely cause a lifestyle change. it'll be kinda like guatemala again, where i gotta be in by a certain time coz otherwise it's too dangerous to be outside. and so perhaps i will be a morning person. i'm going to have to depend on my neighbours, coworkers, church family A LOT, and learn how to ask for help.
since i will be a homebody (yay!)... hopefully... i will have time to read, write, pray, arts and crafts. maybe. or i may simply resort to my busybee, getting to know a lot of new people destiny. sigh.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
on fear
just went to maui for ning's wedding. the first two nights i stayed with local strangers (jennifer and anaki) found on airbnb's website.
i told this to a few people at work, including a patient. they were all afraid for my life. to many people, staying with random people is cause for fear. it's not wise to be overly trusting because there are so many crazies out there. what if they harmed me? what if they were sketchy?
fear of the unknown is what's common to man, i suppose.
i tried not to think of "bad things that could happen to me" by couch surfing. 'tis true that i generally trust humanity, despite all the crap that i see in philly each day, and beyond philly as well. but, interacting with new people and strangers is not unknown to me, i suppose. i've done several homestays in countries not my own. i love and still keep in touch w/ my french and japanese families. they are a part of me. my parents taught open hospitality. we hosted several folks in our home for dinner/overnight stay simply because of taiwanese connections. i absolutely love staying in people's homes and exchanging cultures/stories. anyway, i guess because i haven't been personally traumatized, this kind of lifestyle is easy for me.
my patient who was concerned with my safety definitely feared staying with strangers. some comments about his life - he's committed crimes, been to prison, did some tattoos on himself while in jail, currently lives in the inner city. how are these activities any less scary?!
btw, i asked him how he did tattoos in jail. an older patient once told me that he used ink from a xerox machine. this patient told me that he fabricated a tattoo gun by taking the motor from a CD player, attaching it to some batteries and using old guitar strings as a 'needle'. they would use graphite from a pencil as ink. it didn't always work as expected though.
oh, okay.
my north philly coworkers always tell me i'm a little crazy for driving 9 hours to michigan by myself. that's apparently scarier than growing up in tha hood hearing frequent gunshots. "at least there are people around!" i guess you have a point. perhaps the fear is being alone. if one dies from a stray bullet, at least there will likely be witnesses and "people around". sure.
the point is we fear the unknown. when i think about God and the being who created the universe, it's pretty fear-inspiring. when i think of God who is created time. who transcends time. who transcends human language, thought, imagination, and understanding. that is known to me. but still vastly UNKNOWN. i fear.
recently a friend from home group emailed everyone and said that she had an epiphany. that if she fears God the most, then nothing else is worth fearing. i remember first realizing that sophomore year of college when i was fearing my boss. this thought helped me overcome that fear. but, a decade later i am quick to forget these things and need these reminders.
i told this to a few people at work, including a patient. they were all afraid for my life. to many people, staying with random people is cause for fear. it's not wise to be overly trusting because there are so many crazies out there. what if they harmed me? what if they were sketchy?
fear of the unknown is what's common to man, i suppose.
i tried not to think of "bad things that could happen to me" by couch surfing. 'tis true that i generally trust humanity, despite all the crap that i see in philly each day, and beyond philly as well. but, interacting with new people and strangers is not unknown to me, i suppose. i've done several homestays in countries not my own. i love and still keep in touch w/ my french and japanese families. they are a part of me. my parents taught open hospitality. we hosted several folks in our home for dinner/overnight stay simply because of taiwanese connections. i absolutely love staying in people's homes and exchanging cultures/stories. anyway, i guess because i haven't been personally traumatized, this kind of lifestyle is easy for me.
my patient who was concerned with my safety definitely feared staying with strangers. some comments about his life - he's committed crimes, been to prison, did some tattoos on himself while in jail, currently lives in the inner city. how are these activities any less scary?!
btw, i asked him how he did tattoos in jail. an older patient once told me that he used ink from a xerox machine. this patient told me that he fabricated a tattoo gun by taking the motor from a CD player, attaching it to some batteries and using old guitar strings as a 'needle'. they would use graphite from a pencil as ink. it didn't always work as expected though.
oh, okay.
my north philly coworkers always tell me i'm a little crazy for driving 9 hours to michigan by myself. that's apparently scarier than growing up in tha hood hearing frequent gunshots. "at least there are people around!" i guess you have a point. perhaps the fear is being alone. if one dies from a stray bullet, at least there will likely be witnesses and "people around". sure.
the point is we fear the unknown. when i think about God and the being who created the universe, it's pretty fear-inspiring. when i think of God who is created time. who transcends time. who transcends human language, thought, imagination, and understanding. that is known to me. but still vastly UNKNOWN. i fear.
recently a friend from home group emailed everyone and said that she had an epiphany. that if she fears God the most, then nothing else is worth fearing. i remember first realizing that sophomore year of college when i was fearing my boss. this thought helped me overcome that fear. but, a decade later i am quick to forget these things and need these reminders.
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