me: what's your name?
2 yr old patient: me
mom: no, it's not!
2 yr old: me
mom: your name is leo!

when it was mom's turn to have xrays taken, it was my turn to be a babysitter. we meet all people's needs here, including child care. :p
i went to school for 8 years so i could babysit. haha.
so, i had leo on my lap while i was sitting at the computer doing some notes, in order for taina to take xrays on mom in the exam room. leo has tendency to run away to any and every room.

upon first glance i expected leo to be easily picked up and i could just plop him on my lap. but seriously, this kid was prolly 40 lbs. or maybe i haven't had to pick up toddlers in a while. or maybe i got used to picking up malnourished children who don't weigh enough.

anyway, mom must have really strong arms. eeks.

2 yr old today. we needed mom, one assistant, one nurse from across the hall to hold him down while i brushed and checked his teeth. nothing that he was saying was very understandable, but there was one moment when he yelled, "THAT'S ENOUGH!"
i wasn't aware of this at the time, but he was straining himself so hard to fight us that he kept farting on his mom's lap.
finally at the end, he seemed to enjoy the fluoride (which barely any kids do) and was smacking his lips.

of course it's sad that we had to put him in such an uncomfortable circumstance, and that he was so fearful and nearly "suffering".
but.
it was pretty hilarious and we all had a pretty good laugh.

bad mood monday morning!

clinical fail: kinda in a rush and the 5 yr old E was tired, so he totally freaked when i started giving an injection. i couldn't continue because he was flailing. on any other day i would have fought him a little longer with his mother's help. but bad mood monday morning caused me to quit early and refer him to a pediatric specialist right away, so that i wouldn't have to fight him anymore.
so he was happy. but prolly going to turn into a spoiled brat.
then as he sat in the corner waiting for his mom to finish her cleaning, monin gave him a cookie.
i was a little annoyed because the kid's got a bunch of cavities. but she, in her grandmother's heart, couldn't deny the boy.

anyway, on a brighter note, the afternoon was much more chill and i was in a better mood after rocking the christmas music a while longer.

last week i spent some time coming up with a list of things that i'm thankful for at esperanza, since today i finished my 1st year of working at ehc. hooray. so i mass messaged it to my coworkers. i'm glad i wrote it in advance, because i wouldn't have had the heart to write it today and it would have been a list of complaints. anyway, by the end of the day i got a dozen encouraging responses. so went from not feeling supported at all and feeling discouraged, to feeling supported and encouraged.

----------
subject: feliz one-year... to me!

hola!

i survived EHC one year today! praise God! haha. just wanted to thank todos from the bottom de mi corazon for their support during my transition into the workplace and to philly (the REAL WORLD).

recently i've been trying to carve out time to internally process the year, in order to best come up with goals/personal mission/vision for next year. my reflections are below if you're interested. (no offense taken if you're not! it's muy largo!)

some things i'm thankful for at EHC:

-snow days
-holidays
-vacations
-lunch time
-bathroom breaks
-timely paycheque

jajaja, now onto the real things...

-morning devotions
-prayer groups
-retreat pow-wows
-supervisors who pray for me
-digital imaging, paperless charts
-the 6th floor view of philly from k&a, that makes philly seem so serene
-health insurance that i still don't fully understand how to use
-co-dentist who bails me out and covers my clinical fails without telling me i failed
-assistants and staff who translate the culture and language for me, especially when i am unaware that a patient is asking me out to dinner while i'm trying to educate him about cavities.
-lots of grace given by all during my 1st year in practice
-all the kids who make me laugh every day
-all the kids who scream and misbehave and make me content that i'm not in a season of life to have kids right now
-working with an islander immigrant population (because i'm a second generation islander immigrant)
-being able to witness God's work and redemption in the patients' and coworkers' lives
-moments to share God's work and redemption in my own life with others
-patients who bring me food
-coworkers who bring me food
-shop owners on kensington avenue who give me food
-the opportunity to re-examine and refine my values, namely financial values, family values, and educational values. to not assume that they are always better, just because they might seem more 'successful' according to the world's standards. but to really seek the Lord and the word to determine whether they are right and bibilical, and to adjust/align accordingly.
-a very unique cross-cultural learning experience. i was raised in a racially and socio-economically mixed small border city in a very relaxed and socialist-leaning canada. since then i've had to adapt to living in an ambitious, progressive u.s. college town, southern rural france, urban japan, simplistic sweltering tropical pacific islands, a bush-bush village in west africa, and a quaint colonial town in guatemala. north philadelphia has been just as, if not more eye-opening in terms of seeing the extreme diversity of humanity (people doing/having done things that i would have never imagined to exist/been done before. reaallly?...)
-decompartmentalization/integration of my spiritual/physical life - i can't not talk about faith with non-believer friends, because it's foundational to our daily work/career.
-God's protection in a neighbourhood with statistically higher crime. my most hazardous experience in the 19134 so far is that a bird pooped on my face. i hate birds!

during college i had a period of doubt where i thought maybe i wouldn't be able to pursue dentistry because i would have a hard time hurting other people, for instance, giving a child an injection and making them cry. herman told me that i just have to think of it as helping them in the long run.

anyway, i've given lots of shots already, and will maybe have to give lots more over the next 30 years depending on what i gotta do the rest of my life.
it's still really hard.

as mentioned before, perhaps everyone is depressed during the holidays (21 year old jumped in front of the septa train 2 weeks ago in west philly). since thanksgiving, all the patients have seemed a lot more needy/high maintenance, with more need to vent.

derr..

anyway, i'm always glad to see the cute kids. i feel bad i gotta poke them. but 4 year old W had crazy cavities. on top of that, she wears a pacifier around her neck. hopefully the kids in kindergarten will make fun of her next year so that she'll be motivated to stop using it. (her top front teeth are flared out from the pacifier, so she will have a hard time biting into sandwiches or pizza or salad in the future). it would be sad, but funny, but sad if she turned out to be the popular kid in kindergarten, and then all the other kids started wearing bobos too. coz, kids are like that, wanting things that other kids have.

yesterday 8 year old M came in to extract two baby molars. sad. i love pudgy meaty cheeks! what a beautiful boy. besides all the sugar bugs in his mouth. anyway, we always tell the patients 'you will feel a lot of pushing and pulling, but if there's anything that feels like it hurts or is sharp, then raise your right hand, and we'll give you some more sleepy spray on your tooth.'
i thought he was pretty numb, but right when i put the forcep on the tooth, his right arm shot up and hit taina in the face. i looked up and her goggles were totally crooked. i felt bad for scaring M, but we couldn't help but laugh coz he was so obedient, very literally, and taina took a sec to figure out what hit her.
i think he was really scared through the whole thing, but he was really brave and tough. as soon as he knew we were done removing the 2nd tooth, he shot up like a zombie, and opened his mouth really big in attempt to see what was going on in his mouth in his reflection in the WINDOW. it was SO FUNNY.

not sure what to think about parents who call their little kids "sexy!"

we give all the patients sunglasses to protect their eyes from any flying things but also the bright chair light. it's something most kids find amusing. we show them what they look like in the mirror and they smile/giggle/laugh. then we make some comment like, "oooh! rockstar!" and sometimes the parents will say stuff like, "terminator!" and then take pictures of "junior's first visit to the dentist" on their camera phones.

and then every now and then a mom will be like, "so sexy!" but she's talking to her 4 year old. and i'm sure comments like that plant some type of seeds that develop a certain type of ethos that maybe isn't as affirming/validating/constructive as a mother would like. but who knows.

friday one mom saw her baby wearing shades in the dental chair and goes, "oh, you fancy, huh?!" and i totally wanted to sing the song. but that's not completely professional. so instead i remarked a very conservative, "i love that song!"

interesting things that people fill out on their dental history forms.

why are you here today? normally we expect something like
"para chequear los dientes/to check my teeth"
"tengo dolor de diente/have a toothache"
"limpieza/cleaning"

every now and then, people take that question a little more literally. more than i would expect i see answers like,
"para tengo cita/because i have an appointment"

duh.

today something made me a little sad. one patient wrote
"i be blooding"

and she really meant to write "i be bleeding"

not "i'm bleeding [in my gums]"

anyway, it's pretty impressive to me that "to be" is poorly conjugated in this population.
english is pretty hard, grammatically.
but i feel like enough people watch enough t.v. where we should be able to pick up on some standard language mechanics.

i showed calvin, and he became very blue, responding with, "what?! it's one thing to speak like that, coz maybe that's cool, but it's just sad when it penetrates into writing."

sigh.
i dunno.

the all day christmas music is awesome. everyone is giddy and we are hyper about keeping a tally on most played songs, and being very critical about the poor quality/cheapness of some of the remixes and newer songs with less meaningful lyrics.

funniest thing of the day when checking E's filling, i always say "bite down and grind a little bit, kinda like you're angry". she bit down on the paper and instead of moving the jaw back and forth, she shook her head and ripped the paper apart. my eyes got really big. then she confessed, "sorry, i have a pit bull as well as a 2-year old at home. that's what they do when they're angry." she kinda thought it was like a game to rip apart the paper with her teeth.

sheesh!

--
aside. we're all being pushed to the limits this month as patients are more high maintenance (more depressed during the holidays?) and things are winding down for the end of the year. nothing like the refining fire.

november was a terrible blogging month. hope to improve in december.

today patients on the schedule with first names "lord" and "queen". their second names were even more interesting.

this job really allows me to see the diversity of humanity.

secondly another patient had half his face tattooed. there was a small cartoon baby devil on the cheek w/ some spiderweb type funky designs wrapping it. both arms were completely covered. the tops of his hands were covered. one hand looked like the xray of a hand. is this too much identifying info?
he was sweet, though skeptical of me trying to be friendly. always looking at me with eyes like, "whatyu talkin' bout, willis?" he probably gets those looks from people every day, so is used to just looking at people back with those untrusting eyes.
i'm nosy. and always ask about tattoos. 'cuantas tatuas tiene? wow!!!'
he revealed that he got them done in prison. there's a lot of free time in jail.

the rest of the afternoon felt like i was on '16 and pregnant'. like, one after the other.
my reaction is always 'congratulations! you're having a baby!'
but i'm exploring other options as to how to react to unintentional teenage pregnancy.



on a different note, we started listening to the all-christmas music station at work today. in the span of 8 hours they played
'feliz navidad' twice
'jingle bell rock' three times
'sleigh ride' four times, different versions.

of course we are singing along.

world population

i love neyo songs.
but, if she's 'one in a million', then there are 6,775 others like her on this planet at this time.


speaking of demographics, the population of the 19134 is close to 58,000.

philly is 6th.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_cities_by_population

it helps to give some perspective and purpose in going to work on a monday morning tomorrow.

thanksgiving week

feliz dia de accion de gracias!

or feliz dia de pavo.

anyway, something that dentists have to do is lotsa small talk. esp asking questions that patients can answer in 1-2 words in between opening and closing their mouths.
this week i started asking people "what is your favourite thanksgiving food?"

this week in particular i've been challenged to be a missionary first. and dentist second.

by the time eric came, i decided i should ask more meaningful questions. so i asked, "what are you thankful for?" he glanced at his mom, then goes, "i dunno, my mom, i guess." the awkward thing about 11 yr old boys is that they want to be cool, but are still little boys. so cute!

aside, since it's been slow in clinic these days we have more time to chat with the patients. i had the opportunity to share about the difference prayer makes in my life with a woman going through a lot of stress/anxiety these days. definitely a challenge to explain this in spanish. it was sweet of her to help me conjugate my verbs in speech. hehe. and she was able to leave the clinic feeling a little less anxious.

my stomach growls every morning. and my patients can hear it really well coz their heads are right next to my belly. today LR kept commenting about how i should eat more. he left, then came back half an hour later with a pack of tums. he dropped it off at the front desk saying, "dale a la doctora, ella esta enferma."
i felt fine.
kinda ironic that patients are bringing remedies to the doctors.
more ironic that i actually ate one (tums), and especially ironic that i am feeling some really bad indigestion right now as i type this.

attended a local dental society's annual conference last friday, so have been thinking about dentistry and this dentist identity.

lately it seems like we've been getting more and more refugee dental patients. they tell me their sad stories about how they had such a bad experience at their previous dentist and how they "already have a good feeling" about esperanza, and "already feel better".

i'm glad that our health center can make people feel like they are cared for. of course, as christians, we want to be a light to people and represent christ's kindness and compassion.

however, i normally don't have a good feeling when people complain about their previous dentist/s. i am aware that there is some shady dentistry out there. and that stress plus the pressure to produce/earn an income is real. sometimes people feel like they have to compromise on quality given time and resource restraints. honestly, sometimes i finish a filling or some other type of work and think, "eew! i wish i had time to make that prettier!". but realistically there isn't time. and if it's clinically acceptable, then that's that.
when patients come in complaining about previous bad experiences, the assumption often is that the patient is a difficult patient. i try to advocate on behalf of previous dentists, well, because i am a dentist and therefore an ambassador for others of my kind. surely, if there's obvious mistreatment, then that's something else. but, there are two sides to all stories. i like to hear all the details just coz i like a great story. but kinda take everything with a grain of salt.

finally, maybe people just seem more needy/high-maintenance on days that i'm moody.

blogging, like anything, is difficult to maintain consistently.

today i and h came in. when they told me their son's name, i was thinking, 'whoa, what a WEIRD name!'
at first it sounded like ali dhabi, kinda like abu dhabi, the city in the united arab emirates. i thought that was interesting since the parents are clearly latino.

anyway, it took me 2 more visits for me to realize that the dad's name is harry, and that the baby's name is actually

harry david!

which sounds like ali dhabi in spanish.

i need a new filing cabinet.

i think i'm picking up smidgens of the philly accent.
meanwhile my brain is no longer able to think fluently in any one language, instead it's just a mumbo jumbo of an incoherent 5 or 6 languages.
and unfortunately, sometimes it comes out like that when i'm speaking.

stride

yesterday C came to the clinic. we fixed her tooth. she told me she'll be getting surgery at the beginning of next month to remove her tonsils. we are in the habit of offering prayer, so we prayed for her surgery. i told her i would stop by where she works to get some pizza for lunch. a few hours later i went to get pizza. c was no longer there but the woman at the counter asked if i was the dentist across the street. looking at her skeptically, i responded, "yes?" then she told me that i didn't have to pay because c bought me lunch. awesome!

i think this really helps me care more about k&a and encourages me to invest here more. everyone talks about how it is such a rough neighbourhood, it's the ghetto, and it's really hard to be here.
it's rough. it's ghetto. (am i allowed to use this word now? everyone here uses it.) and sometimes it's hard to see the brokenness and chaos.
despite this, people still take care of one another. and i felt very cared for. there are only a few shops that i've been to on our block, but so far everyone's given me freebies. i know that people don't have much here (materially), so it means a little bit more.

anyway, this blog has a lot of crazy stories, but i'm glad the Lord is meanwhile constantly restoring my hope for humanity and faith in Him.

umm... err.... eh....

trying to pray better in spanish. the past few times, i'd stop after a couple sentences and say "oh forget it!" and then switch to english.
today i made it through an entire prayer with an occasional long pause followed by an english word. i'm glad my assistant and patient found it entertaining.

-_-

welcome to the [neighbour]hood

took a walk at lunch yesterday. our clinic is almost kiddie corner to a walgreens. right at that intersection (across the street from walgreens) was a man holding a prescription drug bottle, and he was counting pills and placing them into two women's hands.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I'M NOT GOING TO WRITE A SCRIPT IF YOU ARE EVIDENTLY NOT IN PAIN!

as i sit and embrace my hot tea

nothing to do with philadelphia or kensington.
but i really like dunkin' donuts' tagline about their hot chocolate this season:
"BETTER THAN MITTENS!"

new tats

ok, if i tagged my blog posts, i would probably have the most posts about tattoos.

today Ike (name has been changed) came in for a filling. i asked how his weekend went, if he did anything interesting (like i ask everyone). his big news was that he got a new tattoo.
what kind of tattoo?
then he pulls up his entire shirt and there's a giant "Lucky" on his chest, which sadly looks like ballpoint pen. hope he goes in again for a touchup.
anyway, i guess latino men don't always have chest hair! (previously thought it was just the east asians).
normally i ask way too many follow-up questions. but this time i'm sorry i asked. i really didn't need to see his tattoo. i would have taken his word for it.

apparently i can't help myself though... and subsequently asked even MORE follow-up questions. what's lucky for?
that's his girlfriend's name.

but then i was confused.

coz later on he mentions that he has a wife.

and that's when i stopped asking follow-up questions.

maybe i should have. so that either a) i would no longer be confused. and/or b) he could confront his issues.

more entertainingly, he absolutely LOVED lidocaine 2% w/ 1:100,000 epi! (not novocain... which is no longer used in dentistry). no one likes injections. if someone says they like it, they're weird. Ike really is one-of-a-kind, though. after he felt the numbness he wanted more. he asked if he could get some for his girlfriend. and after we finished his filling, he exclaims, "this is dope s***!" most of our patients aren't comfortable using expletives like that in the clinic. Ike was evidently feeling very much at ease.

life would be sweeter if...

yesterday patient came in. saw his birth date on the chart and told him, "wow! you had a big birthday this year! 80 years!"
he smiled and replied with, "now is the dessert phase of my life!"


i love dessert.

life would be sweeter if we lived as if we knew time was short and today could be our last.

needle stick today. my first one ever!

i'm not shaken by the big things (fear that i might have contracted hepatitis from a patient w/ a history of hep c, or fear that i might even have contracted hiv since the pt's spouse has current hep c, making him/her high risk for hiv.)

no, disasters like that don't particularly scare me.

but it's frightening to see how my attitude turns so sour at the thought of having to file an incident report, having the inconvenience the patient with getting a blood test, and having to inconvenience myself with getting a blood test and what other paperwork.

whatever.

anyway, since i had to stay at work a little late waiting for my hiv test, i got to talk to my patient a little more. these complications only happen to the nice patients!

and then i got to observe a patient's family in the waiting room. the dad was looking slick, which is uncommon for this community. he looked like he had an 'important' job, that he was a career man. that's great. but, i saw how easily it can get to someone's head as well. once he entered the waiting room, he went straight to the mirror to check out his hair, like diva style.

the two little kids were reading this book called "the wiggles", which is one of the latest television crazes with kids these days. i've never seen the tv show, but it doesn't look that impressive.

reflection on last week

last week was utterly draining.

two of our medical patients died. i can't remember if i had seen one of them at the dental clinic, but the ripple effects of heaviness still affect me. one was a 35 year old woman, leaving behind a 10 yr old and 13 yr old. the other was a young boy, who was killed in a house fire as a result of someone smoking hash.

i've never heard of so many house fires until i've moved here.

when it rains it pours.

on top of that, two of my assistants had funerals to attend (family members). one was a 35 year old woman, unexpectedly had a heart attack. the other was an 18 year old who was shot to death.

bleak, i suppose.

but i love this psalm (20):

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.
Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.
O LORD, save the king!
Answer us when we call!

yesterday a patient came in a wheelchair, both legs amputated below the knee. wasn't well kept. there was an obvious wet spot on his pants. and an even more obvious odor - reeking of urine. one of the assistants walked through the hallway, not even 15 feet away from the patient and yelled, "QUE ES ESO?!" ("WHAT IS THAT?!"), but then tapered off her voice when she realized it might be coming from a patient.

anyway, his teeth were hurting. our clinic is really cramped and very difficult to maneuver a wheelchair in there. i apologized saying, "sorry we don't have much space!" [then smiled... as in, it's gonna be tough, but we'll manage if we work together.]
then the patient snapped back with "this is terrible!"
i definitely didn't expect that kind of reaction.

calvin and i lifted him onto the dental chair. he was very lightweight (probably because legs are heavy), and/or calvin did most of the lifting. hehe.
everything went sort of normally. but the patient didn't humour my initial charm. so throughout the appointment as i was given attitude, my charm morphed into sass.

story of the legs is that the patient suffered a gunshot wound, was paralyzed below the waist, then ended up having frostbite in the legs, requiring amputation.

the smell didn't bother me that much, despite my entire team struggling to fight their gag reflex. while it was foul, it's at least an organic smell, rather than a toxic smell. and, because i was pre-warned, i put something on my nose that i shouldn't have (minor allergic reaction here) so that i could smell it inside my mask while working. i think everything, sorta went according to normal. the only thing that annoyed the hell out of me was that the smell was attracting fruit flies. geez, this is the city. there aren't supposed to be bugs!

anyway, today the flies were still there. and i'm happy to say that i killed one. hope they don't come back!

abuela's got a sense of humour

75 y.o. lady came today. the thing we always say is that we give patients sunglasses because we like to pretend that we're at the beach. so, she's got the shades on, we lean her back in the chair, turn on the light and she goes, "me falta un bikini!" (i'm missing a bikini.)

even though she looks GREAT (for 75), i'm glad she wasn't wearing a bikini.

sounds, then the story

last friday katie heard some gunshots from her office. she looked outside onto allegheny and G street. there was a shooting and people were running in opposite directions. eventually the cops came to barricade and investigate.

this afternoon "lia" brought 5 grandkids to the office with her. she always recruits her brother "cio" to watch them. these kids are a riot. we need an esperanza day care.
anyway, while working on "lia", i started hearing at least 3 kids wailing in unison. usually we only hear 1 at a time. these sounds went on for about 10 minutes.
later, yoly told us that the kids were not behaving so "cio" yanks out his belt and smacks them one by one. she and cathy didn't say anything to him because the kids were also driving them nuts. so they just looked down to their desks and remained silent. "cio" is always wearing a big belt too.

manic monday

first patient of the day thought i was mad at her for complaining that her teeth were sensitive.
we dug deeper and indeed found some insecurity issues.
her mom told her that she was 'fea' (ugly) her entire life. even though she is in her 40s or 50s now, she goes home and her mom still calls her ugly.
so now she really believes it. and it was very heart-breaking. monin shared some verses from psalm 139 with her.
digging even deeper, we learned that she was an only child and her mom raised her as a single parent. so perhaps there was some hurt there, maybe the daughter reminded her of the father who did not treat the mom well, and it came out as resentment toward the face of someone who resembled the dad. who knows.
finally i finished my dental work... an expensive 90 minutes of chair time later... and then we prayed for her before she left.
i wish my dental work was prettier. alas, i am a first-year dentist.
anyway, the hope is that she can be freed from these lies, that she would find her worth in Christ.

this is sad, but i'm starting to sometimes not hear the difference between B and V.

thank you. and thank you for reducing me to my appearance. you are about a 4.

something in philly that makes people think that they can express themselves verbally without any filters as much as they like.
maybe it's the liberty bell and constitution center and independence hall that make people super excited about free speech?

so, loitering men have this habit of saying "beautiful!" or "sexy!"

on my way to work this morning, i was thinking of comebacks. i have some pretty good ones. but every time opportunity presents, the reflex is to squint my eyes, glare, then walk away. hmmph!

september was not a good month for blogging.
october will be better!

something that made me laugh out loud this week was when jose came to get his fillings done, afterwards, he blurted, "I LOVE COMING HERE! I LOVE IT EVEN MORE THAN GOIN TO THE CLUB!"
i laughed maybe even a little too loudly.
because he's probably not kidding, since he doesn't have a filter on what he says, but at the same time it's a little awkward, since his perception of reality is a little different from the majority while he's still recovering from a stroke and dealing with short-term memory loss. as a result, i think it's difficult for him to perform higher thinking or deeper conversations.
the first visit his mom had told me that he had fathered 4 children pre-stroke.
last time he told me he thinks he has three kids. as for the 4th one, he wants to go on maury to do a paternity test.
sadly, i'm not fazed if he actually thinks maury is the first-line method of obtaining paternity tests. welcome to america.

pastor esteban came to devotions today.
he talked about isaiah 11:6-9

"The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling together;
and a little child will lead them.

The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox.

The infant will play near the hole of the cobra,
and the young child put his hand into the viper's nest.

They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain,
for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea. "

his three observations were that:

1. supernatural things are going on (unnatural animal relationships happening here)
2. there is an absence of fear (predators and prey are coexisting in harmony)
3. peace and restoration

so he proposed the idea that the diversity of animals can be compared to the diversity of humanity, including race and all that. so as the kingdom is restored, reconciliation is increased. and not just living with one another, but also helping one another and unheard of things, like eating each others' food. hehe.

anyway, i like that the knowledge of the Lord fills the earth.

and then there is peace.

9 months at esperanza tomorrow!

i should write a list of things i've learned.
but i think i will do that for the next 3 months so that i can have a complete list for 1st year in practice.

or maybe i should write a list of things i need to learn. or should have learned but didn't. dah!

big babies

lots of crying large 3 and 4 year olds this week! they are like time bombs... going from crying, to laughter, to crying, to laughter.

all needing "emergency" school forms signed. ay!

i guess that's one solution

a while ago i had a patient who had this giant tattoo on his arm that says:
"I
LOVE
VERA"
in a 5-year old's hand-writing/block letters. he got it 40 years ago or so, and vera was his first love at age 18. they lived together in boston. after a year she left him. he married someone else. but the tattoo remains.

so throughout the appointment, dunno if i should have done this, but i was trying to think of ways to change the tattoo.
like,
"....maybe you can tattoo ALOE before the VERA..."
"...maybe you can tattoo VERDAD..." ('truth' in spanish)

anyway, my assistant is a little more sensitive and just encouraged him, saying "that's a good way to remember your first love of your youth." (in her head she was prolly thinking "the folly of your youth")

so today another patient comes in and there's a tattoo of 73 on his wrist and underneath there is a big rectangular green blob. so i asked him to tell me the story of his tattoo. 73 is something about when he went to vietnam with the army. and the blob - "that used to be a girl's name! but i had to block it out for the new wife."

:D

i always become what i judge.

last week our office manager was on vacation but she still came into work for a few hours one day because there was THAT much to do (at our growing non-profit) and not enough people around to do it (people often call in sick or kids are sick or some kind of personal crisis, which is common among most of our staff who are from north philly).

in my mind i thought she was crazy and needed to let go of work. it's her entitled vacation time, after all!

yesterday i was working late because of a bad judgment call. and then ended up leaving all my paperwork undone. well worth leaving at that time, though, because a friend was visiting from out of town.

anyway, i ended up going to clinic today for a couple hours. and everyone pointed fingers at me, that i wasn't supposed to come in. so now i gotta retract my judging thoughts, as is what always happens.

------------

on vacation time - apparently workers in the united states are leading the world for number of unused vacation days. i definitely plan on using all of mine by the end of the year.

something to consider though:

-tom's of maine encourages their employees to use 10% of their vacation time volunteering for a cause and/or for others in need. that's great!

-elsevier/mosby allocates a few 'community service' days to their employees. it's like, paid time-off, but designated for helping people.

clinical FAIL day.
but it's good to learn these things now. since these mistakes aren't really costing me any money. heh.

teenage boys love me.

but old latino men love me more.

faux amis

there are a lot of false friends between spanish and english vocab. for example, "assistir a" does not mean "to assist". it means "to attend", as in attending an event.

dunno what this is called, but there are some words that don't just translate between spanish and spanish, depending on which country.

ada told me a story about her brother-in-law, who was a singer in church. once during a celebratory even, he ended his song with, "let's all go eat cake!"

puerto ricans call cake, "bicocho".

mexicans use the word, "pastel".

to mexicans, "bicocho" is the word for male private parts.

there happened to be lots of mexicans at church that day.

awkward.

moral of the story: know the people! know the culture! know the language!

a happier post

i should prolly change the name of this blog to allez philly, coz my life currently is in kensington among other neighbourhoods.

anyway, there are a bunch of new froyo places. i don't think i'm a foodie. and i don't think i'm a froyo fanatic. but it is a good tart treat once in a while.

yesterday my roommie and i went to yogurt city. it's the newest one and incidentally the chinese-owned one. very typical - there are the originals, then the chinese knock-off with greater variety of flavours and lower prices. it was so-so. the yogurt was a little too melty. because we struck up convo, the owner gave me a $3 gift card for free. even though my mandarin really sucked. and even though i insisted that i wasn't chinese because i am taiwanese and only speak 'min-nan-hua'. surprisingly he didn't argue! and respected my identity. he was also surprised that we chose to live in chinatown coz he considers that 'hood as 'dirty'.

chinatown is really dirty and smelly and laden with litter. but, it's cheaper, and because it is so smelly, i've noticed that there are less people living on the sidewalks asking for money or cigarettes. the smelliness kinda reminds me of taiwan night market, though, i hear it's cleaner these days... haven't seen one since 1996. oh my!

ugh

my roommie emails us this morning a news story that there was a raping that occurred yesterday night (at 9:30 p.m.) 2 blocks from our place. basically girl was waiting for the bus at the train station, was dragged between two buildings, choked/strangled then raped. the perpetrator was caught on surveillance tape, running away in boxers. so, he left his pants for the cops, in which contained his walled and a driver's license. who knows if it's the correct id though. it's a mexican driver's license from puebla. the girl is alive, already discharged from the hospital.

another girl who was walking her dog at the time called the cops after hearing screaming noises. the surveillance camera shows three guys walking through the parking lot and turning around to give a puzzled look at the dude running away without pants.

i'm not sure what i would do in that situation. i would hope that i would react to screaming and that i would summon help. i wish that i had super strength to kick ass if someone were attacking someone or myself.

my roommie then reminds us to carry pepper spray. ugh.

met up with a friend today and we prayed for the city. too many crazies here!

time to watch some kung fu movies.

the diversity of humanity

as a health care provider, i have the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life. in a short time i've been able to hear lots of life stories. or maybe it's something that just comes with age.

last weekend on the bus - i normally don't talk to people on the bus - but the woman next to me told me her life story. it was quite interesting.
-studied life sciences in the philippines, came to the states at age 22 hoping to go to medical school, ended up nannying for rich oil folks in texas, a cousin told her the money was better nannying for rich people in manhattan, so she moved up to the city. she nannied for madonna's lawyer in the 80s. got married. had a son. divorced 2 years later. raised her son on her own in jersey. found a job at a medical publishing company. moved down to philly. remarried 4 years ago. contemplating divorce again because she doesn't want to deal with her husband's children: son age 26, in and out of jail and in and out of drug rehab; daughter age 20 with a 4 year old daughter, baby's daddy is not giving any child support, daughter became a lesbian and has new girlfriend; ex-wife struggling with bi-polar disorder.

anyway, people on the street are like the tips of icebergs. we really have no idea what kind of life stories people have hiding there.

i was able to share a little bit about what i was doing in philly. she was a little thrown-off and surprised, so that's good. i love shattering people's ideas of young professionals. she shared that she wished she could one day volunteer and do something to help improve the life of others. i immediately thought of her husband's family, who is in need of help, but it would totally inconvenience her lifestyle if she were to commit to help them. so i replied, "yeah, i guess it's easier to help people if you don't have to live with them" - in reference to my patients, but also implying her step-family. she laughed. (she actually laughed at everything she and i said - my type of person!)

chill out, philly!

without fail, at least once every day an annoyed driver honks at me. it doesn't matter if i am walking or driving. someone will undoubtedly toot. it's usually because i'm in their way, or i waited 1 nanosecond after the light turned green to cross the intersection. i've grown used to it. i like to think that they are just being friendly and saying 'hello there!', or maybe they think that i look like someone they know, since i have many asian look-alikes. i like to pretend that philadelphians are really laid-back and don't have anger management issues.

today within the span of five hours i've encountered the epitome of uptight east coaster. so i had some comp time this afternoon because i worked last saturday. it turned out great because i needed a break. and alex was in town visiting with his cousins, luke and kevin. i caught up with them at independence hall. apparently this is the only block in the entire city where jaywalkers are reprimanded. i was thinking i could cross the cobblestone road in the middle of the block, and the moment i stepped off the curve i heard a whistle. naturally it caught my attention, i looked up and across the street was a PPD officer, dressed up as a park ranger waving his finger at me. i gave him a pouty look, turned around and walked the other way.

after getting a cheesesteak at jim's and water ice at rita's i went home. then shortly thereafter went to the art museum w/ nancy. currently there is a renoir exhibit. very inspiring! however, i was a little flabbergasted in the beginning because as nancy and i were chatting, this woman behind me shushed us - "sssh!!!" meanwhile there was really loud live jazz music coming from the atrium. i didn't know that there was no talking allowed in an art museum. or maybe this lady had dreams of becoming a librarian but never got to live them out. or maybe this lady is constantly on edge, like lives with 20 grandchildren and developed a compulsive shushing reflex to any type of chatter.

the end.

i brought my business card and a toothbrush for marvin at turner's bakery today. we're going to become friends.

no matter what i order - 3 items, 4 items... - he always says, "for you, baby, that'll be a dollar!"

[he calls everyone "baby".]

definitely beats the prices at rittenhouse coffee shops. -_-

no such thing as "i'm fine, thank you" anymore!

dunno why but had a lot of "not that great" or "sorta getting better" in response to "como estas?" today.

-one patient responded with "my brother was just killed in a car accident and my cousin was shot to death last weekend." a drunk driver ran into her uncle's car somewhere in jersey, killing her brother and leaving her uncle in critical condition. her cousin was shot five times in his apartment building by two 14-year olds in the projects of new york. one of them was caught and the police are still looking for the other one, who happens to be the nephew of her cousin's baby's mama. i hear the term 'baby's mama' way too often here!

-another with "my mother just had part of her lung removed because her breast cancer spread to her lung"

-my coworker was a little stressed because she will soon have her uncle move in with her and her family. her uncle was just released from prison after 25 years. he has cancer and liver problems. he is currently in a halfway home, where they do not provide meals. so, she must leave work early to pick up food for him before visiting hours are closed.

meanwhile we still laugh a lot all day long.

-last patient of the day had a huge hickey on her neck. but i always need to ask about anything unusual. so in the most casual way possible, "is everything okay right here?" pointing to the lesion. responded by, "oh yeah! i know i'm an old hag, but my boyfriend gave me a hickey."

aiya.

happy monday!

worked 5.5 days last week. it was kinda tiring. but there are a lot of people in the world who work 6 or 7 days.

everyone talks about the asian-american value of 'hard work'. honestly, my parents valued studying hard, and working hard, but the end value was security. i don't think i have it instilled in me to 'work hard', just for the sake of working. i'm not like the average american worker who doesn't use up their vacation days. on the contrary, i've already squelched all my accrued vacation to date. hahaha.

anyway, being in kensington - in a different culture from my own (primarily a different socio-economic culture), i've been examining my value system. what i was taught as 'the right way' from my culture, is a good way, because it is successful from our world's point of view, i suppose.

getting back to this discussion on work. i've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and why or why shouldn't i work. my conclusion is that my cultural values or parents' values, while i believe they are good, they should not supersede biblical values. i think hard work should not just be a means to security and comfort, and not for the sake of earning what we earn. but it's a biblical value, because God works hard.

meanwhile, it is biblical to rest, because the Lord also rests.

so, that's what i was thinking this morning on the way to work. i worked hard today. and now i am exhausted. and my computer battery and cell phone battery are also dying.

on a random note, i have that 'imma be' song stuck in my head. and am frantically trying to replace it with a better tune.

the tables have turned

had a really cute black kid today. he walked in very happy. i said "hello!"
then he responded with "hi!"
then i ask, "how are you?!"
and he smiles.
lots of kids don't say anything if they are shy. so i just assumed he was shy.
then i started introducing myself, explaining what we were going to do today, then asked him, "have you ever been to the dentist before?"

then he looks at me and says, "yo no hablo ingles!"

it was muy precioso.
then we switch to espanol.

anyway, i guess it was wrong to assume because he was black he would understand english. there are a lot of black puerto ricans, after all. and i shouldn't treat people unequally. i almost ALWAYS ask EVERYONE if they prefer espanol or english.

so, that is how people feel when they start speaking to me in chinese, and then i have to let them know that i have NO IDEA what they are sayin'.

life can change in an instant

jose (half my patients are named jose) came today. mom was a little concerned since he was in a nursing home for 11 months, and she believes that they never brushed his teeth.

run down on his med history: jose is 27 (like me!), but at 26 he had a stroke. they discovered he had an arteriovenous malformation (genetic disorder, where circulation is affected in the brain). so, he nearly died. but he says that "God is good!" and he is happy to be alive, despite his left side being paralyzed. mom has to take care of him, but med assistance provides a nurse 40 hours a week (paul, originally from ghana).

we tried to do as much work on him as possible today because it's kind of an ordeal getting him in and out of the wheelchair, in and out of the dental chair.

the first thing he said to me was, "you're very pretty!"
the second thing he said to me was, "you have beautiful eyes!" (can you even see my eyes? -__- i guess it's the only thing showing since we all wear masks here...)
the third thing he said to me was, "i liiiike you!"

i can only imagine how he behaved with the ladies before his stroke.

mom explained to me that jose was, is, and always will be 'a player'. jose agrees, as he wets himself in the chair and struggles to find a comfortable position using his right foot and right arm to move himself around. before his stroke, he fathered 4 children, and shoutouts to two babies' mamas. no marriage here. but, it's nice to hear that the moms bring the kids over to spend time with dad.

kudos to all the caregivers out there.
and kudos to all the survivors in healing out there.
be strong persevere!

didn't work that hard today, like dentistry-wise, but it was a big crying day.

r.e.e. was back after having a tooth extracted following a domestic abuse situation. he's in jail now. so the important thing is that she is in a safe place.

the dental team and i tend to talk about random things throughout the day, like, anything and everything. but i guess we should try to have a little more filter, maybe, or just be a little more sensitive to patients' listening ears. so, calvin was talking about how his mom is kinda clumsy and broke her wrist while they were on vacation. the whole family were riding bicycles. mom wanted to take a picture. and instead of stopping to get her camera out of her bag, she kept riding, ran into stacy and then fell down, breaking her wrist as she tried to break her fall.
then i responded with a story of my own mommy, who was daydreaming while backing the car out of the driveway, and ended up killing our tree. silly mommy!

i dunno if R was listening, but she started crying and said that her teeth wasn't her fault, that she was taking care of herself, but it was the man who did the damage. initially when i first met her, she didn't mention him. she talked about how she
very overwhelming. and i lift her up to you, Lord. but, anyway, i was a little discouraged as a new dentist that i took 90 minutes on one patient. i guess we do what we gotta do.

lastly, E came in at the end of the day. just making plain convo and asked if he had a lot of family in philly, since he's guatemalan. he responded with 'dos hijos'. so i followed-up with how old are they? he listed off a 6 year old and a 10-month year old. then mentioned he had one who passed away at 4 months. having all the candidness in the world with my dental mask on, ask, when did this happen? then i gotta take my mask off here. he explained that it happened in 2007. his son all of a sudden started crying. he wouldn't stop, so they took him to the er. they waited forever, and apparently were told they couldn't be seen until he brought a translator with him. finally the baby was admitted when he started convulsing. he ended up on life support for a month before dying. but E thinks that maybe he was already dead on the first day. lots of things were lost in translation. of course, he was devastated. finally he took off the patient sunglasses and we could see that he was crying. my spanish sucks. thankfully monin explained that there is comfort and hope in christ. then we prayed for him. a father never really gets over these things. but we had to listen and care even if it's after 5 p.m.

anyway, my parents friends were kinda saying how it was strange (but maybe they implied unfair) that i had to learn spanish to do my job. whereas everyone came from taiwan and learned english in order to make it in this country. yes, i feel the injustice towards them.
but i also feel the injustice towards an immigrant who has a baby who dies partly due to a language barrier.

a more atrocious injustice that's been on my mind since saturday is the sexual crimes against women going on in congo. so, after the genocide in rwanda a lot of people fled to the congo. subsequently many rebel groups and militias arose. so there's new ethnic tension going on. militias know that in order to destroy a people group, it is effective to destroy the women - since they are the backbone of communities, raising children and working in the fields. anyway, there is a crazy amount of rape and rape+torture. the torture part is when they introduce things like effing KNIVES and BAYONETS and STICKS into a woman's vagina after effing raping them. only God knows WHY. so, my new philly friends melanie and scott lived in the congo for a bit and made a documentary about it: www.womeninwarzones.org
i watched this on saturday at liberti. it was very moving, depressing and angering. yet, presented in a manner to inspire hope for change and hope for hope. sometimes we need hope for hope. it also made me miss french a lot. so, hopefully i can help out in some way, maybe writing some stuff in french or something.

speaking of philly connections, some other communities to pray for are the family of the young american man who was killed in uganda (in july) after terrorist bombings. he happens to be a childhood friend of a new philly friend from church.

also the medical team who was recently killed in afghanistan. one of the members is my coworker's cousin.

as i've moved to a bigger city, the world has become smaller, or more within reach. the only one who can bear this burden is Christ.

glimmers of hope

just saw the movie "eat pray love". it was agitating, to say the least.

so i'm going to post about something that makes me happy.

recently our new patient came in for a check-up. she's 20 and has a 2 year-old in foster care. what's nice is that she gets to see her baby. but it's still sad to be separated. i have hope for her, though, because she seems to be very disciplined as she's preparing for a navy entrance exam. she's working out consistently and also studying math on a daily basis. i'm proud of my patients who are finishing school and wanting to work hard, especially in an environment where everyone and everything seems to be against them.

anyway, going back to the movie, which was unexpected, but there's a scene where the man in india shares his story about not being a good father/husband and regretting his past mistakes; and therefore, trying to find healing and restoration. all this definitely requires time and self-reflection; however, christ really is the only one who can make things new.

not a typical day, but not too shocking either

walking down the stairwell to get some lunch and saw four cop cars blocking kensington in front of the clinic. there was a crowd of people gathering and murmuring. across the street in front of koolae there is a dude COVERED in blood, trying to stand up by himself. and older man is standing behind him, trying to help him not to fall. a police officer is talking to him. i run downstairs and ask jackson what the heck happened. apparently someone pulled up in a car, got out and started beating the crap out of this dude. i stood around and watched a while. i'm such a gawker! ha!

anyway, i think he's okay. i didn't see any ambulances.
later in the afternoon, rumours were spread that someone was murdered in front of our clinic. that is not true. just a story, embellished.

if that wasn't enough excitement, my emerg patient this afternoon came with a hole in his/her smile. one of the victims in this story!

in summary: teen is doing community service (as punishment), then decides to steal a POLICE CAR, is driving in a runaway chase, hits my patient's car, totaling both, and then causing another car to hit my patient's car.

note to police: do not leave ignition on with vehicle unattended, especially in the presence of youth who are undergoing corrective behaviour.

note to delinquent: do not steal a police car if you are already being punished by society for another crime.

anyway, so i spent a good amount of time restoring some teeth. and i had to practically do it upside down because my patient was suffering whiplash and could not recline more than 10 degrees.

time to get a massage.

some patient snapshots:

mom comes in with five of six kids all under age 7. lone girl wearing sundress. two boys wearing shorts, no shirt. one boy wearing shirt and diaper, no pants. and finally baby in stroller just wearing diaper. good thing we don't have a 'no shirt no service sign'. never seen a 'no pants no service' sign. it's been really humid in philly these days. these kids kinda reminded me of the kids in west africa who would be running around naked when it was laundry day.

---------------
today, notified pudgy pre-teen that he had cavities. he reflected for a moment, then responded with, "i think i know why. i get the munchies at night and have been chewing gum instead of snacking."
omg. so cute!
hahaha. he got the munchies. hahaha.
sad ending: his mom came and he informed her that he had cavities. she scolded him with a "no more candy for you!"
then, i said, "the bright side is that we can fill them, which is better than root canals or pulling them. and he needs to switch to sugar-free gum."
exasperated she replied, "i buy him sugar-free gum! but he sneaks in the other stuff!" (referring to bubblicious).
i tried to help the kid out, "well, at least he's chewing gum instead of constantly eating, because that wouldn't be good for his overall health."
then mom chided, "yeah! he's trying to lose some weight."
then, i gave up.

------------------
i'm chatting with big brother about flossing. little sister walks by and says, "hey! psst!"
and then big brother answers, "what?"
and then she goes, "you suck!" and walks away.
then big brother looks at me, whimpers and complains, "she's so mean to me!"
little sister wins! (finally!)
but i have a milligram of sympathy for big brother. then say, "i'm sorry to hear that." and then ask if he's nice to his younger siblings. then he goes, "yeah! sure! of course, i bother them all the time. but that's like any normal big brother."
A-HA! i don't know why big brother thinks that's "NORMAL". because bother will only lead to retaliation.

-------------------
last one for the day: two brothers 3 and 4 came with dad, who has tattoos on his entire upper body. they are both wearing different kinds of spiderman tees, bald, stocky, and tough. haha. precious! the older one was in the chair. and dad was giving him some instructions, like "no more candy for you!" or something. and then he lifts up his arms, palms face up and shoots a spiderweb at his dad. ahahaha. so i'm like, "dude! you can't do that to yer dad!" the kid grins and laughs his evil laugh. muhahaha.

back

encouraged by tafblogger andrew's LOL post to love non-taiwanese americans. cool!

today had some cool encounters:

rams is a teenager who plays on a street football team. it turns out all his friends are asian. so he's been picking up some vietnamese cuss words. hahaha. he also for some reason knows how to say 'black people' in cantonese. i asked why? and he replied coz his asian friends don't like black people. we had a discussion about this, and how the media negatively portrays different racial groups. and how my own aunt was a little wary about me moving to philadelphia because she heard that there are many black people here, even though my aunt and uncles' best friends and fellow elders at church are black. i'm nauseated as i think about this. anyway, i'm glad that rams is breaking some barriers. i hope to catch one of their games sometime. street league means: no refs. local kids make all the calls. no padding. tackle. 11 on 11. everyone must be under age 18.

saw rams' mom right after. and she says she likes that her son hangs out with the aZns because she believes that they keep him out of trouble. she confessed this to me apologetically as if to imply that she didn't want to typecast me as 'model minority' but she was going to anyway. i asked if he hung out with any puerto ricans, and she said, 'no! he'd prolly be on the streets by now if he did'. she was quick to diss her own people. but again, crime stats and media.

this afternoon brought j and little j. j is 17 and she is 3 yr old little j's mom. j is expecting another girl in november. dad didn't say much and appeared tough, but after a lot of effort i was able to make him crack a slight smile towards the end. he's prolly 19 or 20. but they both looked kinda old. i asked little j if she had any brothers or sisters, and she pointed to her belly while saying, "in here!" so cute! after we checked her teeth, she switches spots with mama and yells, "open your mouth now!" she then climbs on j's lap, and gives her belly a smooch. dah! more cuteness!

last notable of the day is 81 year old b, who is also a volunteer at the local christian school. she's living in the hood where we work. she is white. and her memory is super clear. she is sharp. she is the best. she loves the Lord. she writes thank you notes to our front desk. and she is awesome. too bad her teeth are decaying. ended up doing a very... lessay... creative filling to restore a molar.

in that moment i realized that i had crossed the line from being a T to an F, whereas in the past i was totally a T and was wavering back and forth the past few years. there's no way a T would do such herodontics.

tryin to have faith here.

trying to define justice today.
good to have 9 hours on the road tomorrow and think about this.
philly, see you soon!

return to the stroll

i'm away from kensington and chinatown.
it feels like home and i've quickly readjusted back to the slowness of the midwest.
i still think about the rowhomes and subways and high population density.
travel always consists of space and time.

eternal perspective is hard.

supposedly justice is sexy these days.

but, sometimes it's really tough and overwhelming.

-----------
on a different note, marilyn was cleaning off some graffiti today. some idiot tagged our esperanza mural. anyway, it was an interesting sight to see, and makes more sense after learning that it was marilyn's daughter and son-in-law who painted the mural. mama bear is upset and not gonna stand for this crap!!!! with utmost graciousness, of course.

meeting a true philly native

i've been meeting lots of people who are new to philly, people who have been here less than 10 years, and people from the burbs. most of the patients i work with are 1st or 2nd generation immigrants. a lot of these patients are from north philly and have that north philly flavour.

maureen wins the prize for most philadelphian, though. she is a young mother of two. i met her on wed at church's kids' camp. she was sharing about her life, and how her brother's family was in a serious car accident earlier that day. so it's been difficult dealing with the trauma.

aside, (what takes the cake is that) her grandmother owns the bar that is in the 'rocky' movie. and her grandmother was in the movie. that is super philadelphian!

life nights at liberti

been helping out w/ wednesday 'life nights' at church in fishtown. it's like weekly vbs for kids 5-12, trying to provide a safe place for kids in the neighbourhood.
i learned from one of the moms that there aren't that many kids under 12 in fishtown. so maybe that's why turnout has been low.
anyway, today a new kid came, he's 4 and a half. never been separated from mom before. mom was walking by, saw the sign, decided to check it out and thought it would be good for son to learn some independence and practice for preschool coming up this fall.
he was sooo cute with dimples. kinda sucked that all the other boys were 10 and up. but they were welcoming. his mom stayed with him about 15 minutes then sneaked out while we were trying to distract him with games. the moment he realized she was gone, he was on the brink of bursting into tears. it was kinda a special moment. like weaning. growing pains. what's best for him even though it hurt.

yesterday my 4 yr old girl went crazy and would not cooperate.

we discussed how 4 years old is kinda like graduating from being a baby to a 'big kid'. so, it's really a toss up whether the kids will cooperate or not.

------------
when i was 4, i started piano lessons and was going to this preschool called 'the child's place'. i remember being very self-aware, but at the same time having some mild behavioural issues.

race role reversals

i never read the news, but have been looking up news on these stabbings since it's so close to home. what's more interesting is reading the comments that people leave. calvin calls them 'internet trolls' - people who want to make a point but then leave all these holes for other people to make opposing points.

so the police didn't have a good description of the suspect stabber. just that he ran away with a female and toddler. someone opened up the discussion with
"i WONDER what he looked like"
then response of:
"you want to say he's black? just say it!"
followed by:
"there are a lot of puerto ricans in this area!"
blah blah blah.

but what i found interesting is that people were saying the media makes more of an issue if it's a white on black crime versus a black on white crime. i would have thought the opposite. but maybe if 'white on black' is more rare, then it's bigger news and can create a bigger uproar in a majority black city.

i guess there are pros and cons to being the invisible asian here.

more on life in kensington:

i work 40 yards from the allegheny stop on the blue line.
today at noon a man was stabbed on the westbound train platform. he was sent to temple hosp and in critical care.

i can see the station and the trains from my 6th floor window. when i take the train home, which i usually do, though today was an exception, i wait at that platform.

------------------
this morning i walked into devotions 5 minutes late. berry was sharing her story of grace, and also that she's leaving esperanza for another position closer to home, to avoid her 2 hour commute and to spend more time with her children. it was a difficult decision. and when i walked into the room half the people were crying.
one of those devotional days.
anyway, i only caught the last bit, but she shared the difficulties of commuting and returning home to her hungry children. and witnessing things such as an accident on the freeway 3 cars ahead of her, and knowing that it could have been her, had it not been for God's grace.
i remember that day when she came to work. she seemed a little in shock, but i didn't realize it had impacted her so much.
---------------------

there is tragedy all around. but really it's grace that sustains me.

shalom today

coworker whose car was stolen at work returned my car today.

coworker whose house burned down last week returned to work today.

a/c at the apt was finally fixed today.

dinner with a friend, she and i are currently living opposite seasons, so good to have some perspective today.

time to rest at work.

replaced some fillings.

got rid of some decay.

there is momentary peace.

not always glamourous

preparing for summer camp next week. and filling out this 'survey' thingie. one of the first questions is "occupation".

sometimes 'dentist' sounds glamourous. and 'dentist in the inner city' sounds noble or honourable. or something. like, we are working hard to combat the 'bad guys' and fight disease.

at the end of the day, work is work. there are some 'big' things to do. but really, it's just a bunch of 'little' things. often these tasks are quite mundane.

true, there are some days when work seems more exciting or that work is making a big impact in some people's lives.

today, however, was merely a battle of heart.

called to be misunderstood

got my eyes checked down the street.
i live in chinatown.
they asked me where i am from.
i said i'm taiwanese.
and they said, "oh you're chinese! hahaha. but you think you're different."
so i explained why i'm different.
anyway, i didn't get angry.
because a lot of people don't believe what i know.
even though i believe what i know is truth.

getting the a/c fixed.
techs don't really know if i understand what they're sayin'.
i got a b+ in e/m physics. i can kinda follow along.
and i KNOW what it's like to talk to people who don't really know exactly what's going on

because i'm a dentist.

first time doing fillings on a 3 yr old.
thought i was gonna poo my pants, coz i had heard enough screaming kids this week, and i had watched a movie with disturbing torture scenes on sunday. but thankfully, she was the perfect patient. everything was done in 10 minutes. woohoo!

anyway, asked pt what her fav song was, and so i sang 'twinkle twinkle' with mom during the injection. it had been a while, so i forgot some of the words. i was singing 'how i wonder where you are', but i think it's supposed to be 'how i wonder what you are'?

this blog is supposed to be about kensington but i often refer back to childhood. philly experiences remind me of windsor sometimes. here's the version we used to sing in kindergarten:

'les etoiles dans le ciel, brillent, brillent, comme elles sont belles
elles s'allument une a une, pour bien eclairer la lune
les etoiles dans le ciel, brillen, brillent, comme elles sont belles

the gateway student led devotions this morning. and i remember now what it was like to be 20. to be excited about every little thing that i was learning and to have so much time to reflect and process and to write in a journal. where, every little surrender to the lord was a big deal and gratitude was fresh. i don't necessarily think i'm less spiritual, or less joyful. but, maybe less wide-eyed, a little aged by the turbulent 20's storms, and my hope is sharper but less plush.

no rhyme, no reason

at work we like to predict whether or not patients will come and postulate why.

-it's snowing; therefore, no one will show up
-it's raining; therefore, no one will show up
-it's extremely hot and humid; therefore, no one will show up
-it's pay day...
-it's medicaid renewal day...
-school's out...
-it's the day before the holiday...
-it's the day after the holiday...
-it's the assistant's fault...
-it's the front desk's fault...
-it's the dentist's fault...
-the patient is afraid...

anyway, it was pouring today and everyone happened to show up, so i had my first day of 17 peeps. which, maybe isn't a lot compared to other places, but it's a lot for me because i talk a lot and listen a lot. and we pray sometimes. which takes up some time.

really, people just come if they feel like it. this is where realities clash: my reality is that when i make an appointment, the point is to attend, and if changes need to be made, then i call as soon as possible to make necessary arrangements. for many folks here, their reality is that when they make an appointment, it's kinda like saying, "thanks for the appointment, and i'll come if my magic 8 ball tells me to that day". my reality doesn't make sense to them. and their reality doesn't make sense to me. we're even.

loves peace. avoids conflict.

so i have this patient,

and she was very honest with me in the beginning.
she told me she's been hurt before.
that she doesn't trust anyone.
but she has a good feeling about me.
and is willing to give me a chance.
she briefly alluded to the fact that she's had a heroin problem.

i helped her a little bit and she was really thankful.
she tried to give me lots of ego massages.
she said that i was the only one for her.
that she wouldn't trust anyone else.

then she started flaking on me.
and then started making up stories.
and then started trying to manipulate me.
and confessed she had a drug problem.
and then tried to assure me that she didn't have a drug problem.
and then tried to assure me that she wasn't trying to manipulate me.

it became clear that she loved drugs more than me.

i gave her lots of grace.

and today was supposed to be the final test.
she blew up at my staff on the phone.
then requested that i call her back.
my staff told me to let her go.

i called her back and got her voice mail.

and didn't have the heart[lessness] to dismiss someone via voice mail.

anyway, hope she gets better.
and/or doesn't call me back tomorrow.

how NOT to start random small talk

was in line at the post office, then i started hiking up my pants coz sometimes i like to aerate my ankles. (it feels cooler. like, a 5 degree temperature drop when you go from long pants to capris.)

the woman who could have been mistaken for a man in front of me says, "are you doing that because you're on your period?"

i wasn't sure if i trusted my ears, so i said, "pardon?"

she repeated herself and then i politely answered, "no."

[end of convo]

rookie dentist fail.
ok, just had to get that out of my system.
no need to dwell on the past.

moving forward...

today joined debo and baltimore friends for the 2nd half of their philly food tour. there is so much food in this city. i don't think i'm a foodie, but i like rollin with 'em. it def helps going to vietnamese restaurants with a vietnamese friend to help pick out the hidden treasures on the menu.

part of the reason why there is so much food here is because there are so many people. it amazes me how people could possibly make connections with one another amidst the crowds, that every person has a unique story, that no one is special, but everyone is special.

was gonna narrate patient encounters here today, but i spent so much time writing them in my clinic notes that i don't want to write them again. some day!...

getting off septa today there was a crowd exiting the door and a crowd entering. one woman was being a little pushy on her way in; therefore the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and politely suggests, "how about we let these people off before getting on?"
then the woman snaps, "how about YOU NEVER EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN?!!"
another woman to the side bursts into laughter.

i felt bad for the man trying to harness a sliver of courtesy in a courtesy-less (and hostile) environment.

i also felt bad for the first woman for being so angry. it must suck to have a temper that's so easily set off like that.

----------
one time in grade 7, our homeroom teacher snapped at a classmate. another classmate muttered, "i wonder who shoved a porcupine up HER ass this morning."
amusingly, instead of getting more angry, my teacher couldn't help but laugh. while we were being completely serious and thought we were mature, my teacher still thought that 12 year-olds were "cute", and it entertained her that something like that came out of one of our mouths.

world[view]s collide

comfortable vs. poor
asian vs. non
college town bubble vs. urban
young vs. young with kids
professional school vs. street schooled
victim vs. victim
frustrated vs. frustrated
all these things christian paradigm vs. all your things christian paradigm
sigh vs. sigh

can't help but judge the world
even though i know i shouldn't.

heat wave

forgot how to speak spanish for the first half of today.
took my bp after lunch - it was 91/45. time to eat more salt!

little 5 y.o. Z came today with a toothache. he sat through lots a long appointment, thanks to his medications.

19 y.o. N came this morning from his group home, reports is in a program to overcome a marijuana habit. he'll be able to return to PR to his 2 y.o. daughter once he comes clean. reading between the lines - there's prolly some wack stuff lacing his joints coz plain mj probably wouldn't be that harmful.

thumbs down

today saw pt on the street at lunch time. we exchanged these words:

pt: i need pain medications.
me: you have an appointment this afternoon!
pt: yes, i'll see you there!
me: see you soon! bye!

despite our convo, 3 hours later he/she forgot to come.

anyway, kids, don't do drugs. it causes memory loss.

thumbs up

so many cute girls came today:
rainbow
violet
scarlet
adriana
brenda
maellis

they all were tiny, wide-eyed, have fun brushing their teeth, have chipmunk voices, very gregarious, and love stickers.

it's time to go back to spanish school

latin men are hella flirty.

pt this afternoon likes me. like, really likes me.
but he also likes our front desk chachas. (short for muchachas).
like, he really likes our front desk chachas.

jajaja.

anyway, this chacho (short for muchacho) was about to leave.
i think i'm pretty good at foreign language acquisition because i'm able to contextualize and fill in the blanks.
however, today was not my day.

this is what i heard:

me: don't eat a lot of sugar
pt: i want to get all my dental work done.
me: the important thing is to brush, floss and watch your diet.
pt: what kinds of foods should i eat?
me: all kinds of foods are fine.
pt: is mexican food okay?
me: huh? i guess. yeah that's cool.

after chacho left, my assistant kinda had a feeling that i misunderstood everything and then told me this is really what he said/heard:

me: don't eat a lot of sugar
pt: when i get all my dental work done i'm going to take you out to dinner. and i'm telling you in advance so that you don't back out on me.
[i was probably thinking about how to say my next sentence in spanish during this time]
me: the important thing is to brush, floss and watch your diet.
pt: what kinds of foods do you like?
me: all kinds of foods are fine.
pt: so you like mexican food?
me: huh? yeah that's cool.

oopsies.
anyway, i'm a little skeptical that he won't get all his dental work done soon coz he's got a lot of cavities. maybe he'll forget about this convo by then.

jajaja.

it's good to have translators!

ran into a pt on the train. first time encountering in public (besides the diner across the street). kinda weird to interact out of the clinic context. still trying to figure out how to combat awkwardness. -__-

chinatown is smelly. maybe it's a deterrence for criminals to lurk around here.

6 and 7 are some of the funnest ages.

6 y.o. robert:
"i'm robert. my sister's name is angel. you know, like those things that fly in the sky."

7 y.o. angel:
"i like chris brown, trey songz, and justin bieber. i love justin bieber."

6 y.o. robert:
"i like eminem. justin bieber sucks. wait, i like eminem and michael jackson. michael jackson is the best. i hate justin bieber. he sucks."
"i wouldn't have ever known that michael jackson was my favourite singer if he never died!"

weirdos on the subway asking me to check their teeth

can't wear dental/tooth tshirts in public anymore.

gotta love septa:

dude: "so you work at the dental clinic?"
me: "yeah"
dude: "you a dental assistant or a student?"
me: "i'm a dentist."
dude: "and now you drinking a bottle of 40?" (pointing to my kleen kanteen)
me: "yeah"
dude: "how long you gotta go to school to be a dentist?"
me: "eight years man"
dude: "can you look at my teeth? what do you think about them?"
me: "you're wearing a partial denture."
dude: "that's amazing! i'm wearing a partial! how did you know?" [high five]
me: "coz i went to school for eight years"
dude: "i got my teeth knocked out coz i was sitting on a newsstand next to the bus stop. the effin' bus driver was flirting with some girls, and wasn't looking where he was pulling in, then opened the door, and the door slammed into my face, knocked my teeth out. then he drove off and ran over my foot."
me: "that's awful."
dude: "how long do partials last?"
me: "if you take care of the rest of your teeth, then they can last a long time. that's why you need to floss."
dude: "okay. and where are you from?"
me: "detroit area" (you betta recognize!!!!)
dude: "oh, i didn't know there were pretty girls in detroit."
me: "DON'T BE KNOCKIN' ON DETROIT WHEN YOU'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE! YOU DON'T KNOW JACK!"

so, we've established some boundaries here. obviously i'm not from the community. word may have gotten around that there is a confused-looking 'dentista chinita' working in kensington. i'm not sure if he's bought my semi-fake story that i'm a 'city girl' from a badass city like the D. it seems he was trying to test me by seeing if i would buy into his friendliness, but now he really knows not to mess with me. now we know that we don't need to exchange names.

he recuperates and continues.

dude: "i'm a barber and i knew some people from detroit with ugly hair."
me: "yeah. whatevs."
dude: "so you're gonna go home to your husband?"
me: "yeah" (i hate lying, but, roommies, husband... close enough!)
dude: "he's very lucky."
me: "yeah"

finally we arrive at 8th street.

me: "i get off here. take care."

it's hot. i always think of 'do the right thing'. hehe.

things i've learned about the streets here:

-if your car is stolen and you ask the neighbours if they saw anything suspicious, no one is gonna snitch. it's too risky.

-kids can put a slip'n'slide on the pavement.

-little girls know how to booty dance when running through the 'sprinkler'. (sprinkler = hose from the fire hydrant; no lawns means no need for sprinklers)

-grateful for air con

-there's this network of peeps who steal cars called 'chop chop' and they'll use tow trucks. then they can take the car to a warehouse, dismantle and sell all the parts, and no chance of getting yer car back.
me: "can't the cops find these things? come on!"
coworker: "there are parts of philly where NO ONE goes. come on!"

-pt DR told me that his teeth are jacked coz he got beat a lot, trying to stay out of trouble (off the streets), but had difficulty, having been born into trouble. gave me a little history about the bloods, crips, zulu, latin kings... etc. fascinating!

got paid to play soccer with my co-workers in the sun today. got smoked. i only learned to enjoy soccer for ministry's sake and fulfill co-ed intramural quotas. i was kinda regretting not playing softball instead because i love to hit things with bats. but, in honour of world cup season, soccer it was.

love staff retreats!

after play time, we talked about racial reconciliation, cross cultural communication and working together.

in other news, my coworkers got their car stolen (they're married) yesterday in the staff parking lot. i lent them my car until another solution can be found.
they have three kids 5 and under.

i think i can manage on septa for a while.

we spy on a street from our 6th floor window. today we saw 8 kids in a little kiddie pool all morning.
meanwhile, 20% show-rate today for our patients.

it's hot and humid in philly.

philly parking authority is pretty ruthless.

BUT, the employees are people after all.

-paid a meter until 5:18.
-had a little delay and allegedly arrived at 5:19.
-ppa man was in the process of taking down my plate number.
-he was in my way, so i said, "excuse me, i'm going to leave now."
-he gets riled up and says, "YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE AWAY AS I'M IN THE PROCESS OF GIVING YOU A TICKET?"
-puzzled, i reply, "yeah?"
-he gives me a look of "don't you dare!"
-"what? it says 5:18!"
-"and what time is it now?"
-"it's 5:18!"
-"no way, go check the time on the kiosk."
-"5:20! and we've been talking for TWO minutes!"
-"no, we've been talking for one. meaning, you got here at 5:19"
-"yeah right! my cell phone says 5:18!" (i totally lied, coz i didn't even have my phone on me)
-"do you want me to give you a rescision?"
-"i have no idea what that is, but you're not giving me a ticket!"
-"basically fill out this form..." blah blah blah.
-so i'm filling out a slip of paper saying that the ticket has been rescinded because i got to the car before the ticket was completed. i'm smirking, and he goes, "WUT?!"
-"you know, people told me that philadelphians were REALLY MEAN. but i will tell them otherwise."
-cancels my ticket and chides, "are you HAPPY now?"
-"yup! and you know, i would TOTALLY have done the same for you. hmmph!"

-love turner's bakery.

-watched about 50 cell phone photos from raul. "este es mi amor", "este es mi amor cuando era joven", "este es mi nieto", "este est mi otro nieto", "este es yo con una de mis nenas", "este es mi presidente" (he took a photo of a photo of barack and had it on his phone in the line up with all his family members). hahaha.
anyway, he shared that he tells his wife of 46 years that she is beautiful every single day, and that when he is sad she erases all his sadness. or something like that. my spanish comprehension of old men is not so great.
lastly, his 92 y o father passed away last week and they will have the funeral next wednesday. he was choking up. and we paused in silence and remembrance and celebration.

-j came in for a filling. and then told us his life story. laid off 5 mos ago and it's been difficult. haven't seen dad for 12 years. dad had been imprisoned and then deported to home country. sentenced on drug charges. sentence has been prolonged due to fighting in prison. deported after fabricating story that he was married to his cousin, only to get into the states on her visa. oops. dad thinks kids are still little kids, has no idea his kids are grown adults now. he's trying to get tix to travel to see dad, but financially things are tight. these are hard times.

had my first philly water ice (wudder ice) from happy donut during break today.
it was good but i can no longer fathom how people eat more than 8 oz coz my sugar tolerance has gone weaksauce.
calvin described it as "you're pretty much eating a cup of frozen sugar and high fructose corn syrup"... "but that's why it's so amazing."

blogworthy moments of the day

-jake shared at devotions about having a balanced prayer life. "just like having a balanced diet, you can't not eat enough salad, but then have too many milkshakes!" and my first thought was, "yumm.... milkshakes". anyway, i need a more balanced prayer life - being able to pray aloud, not just to prove to others that i can pray eloquently, but to share my prayers w/ others. and being able to pray in my prayer closet, for an audience of ONE.

-got a $2 milkshake at turner's bakery during lunch! marvin turner is cool.

-l came for her final fillings and brought her little tykes, j and j again. the first few visits were def stressful. and i journal-ed about how the military should do training exercises with sounds of crying babies in the background. anyway, today was easier, or i'm just numb to it all. girl j cried for the first 20 minutes of the appointment. so i got a late start. but we try to be accommodating here in the name of christ. ay dios mio!

-my first month here, i kept a running list of interesting patients, so that i could capture the immense diversity of humans in this city. anyway, i had an entry about "35 year old grandmother". but today the record has been beaten. and my patient mc, became a grandmother at age 33, because she had her first daughter at age 13. now her children range from age 5 through 20-something. her 17 year old has a 6-month bun in the oven. she's hot too.

-an aside, yesterday ada's 8 yr old patient was wearing a bra. i guess i had seen that during my lifetime before, so i shouldn't have been so taken aback. but it had been awhile.

-another aside, mc's entire family comes to our clinic because she's our biggest fan after we helped her overcome her years of dental fears. although she still likes to moan and groan during the entire time that she's here. so mc's mom came for some exts and monin recognized the family's name. mc's sister was the 'talk of the school' during monin's high school years, coz she ended up marrying the gym teacher. i guess she was a mature junior. and he was a young gym teacher. 20 years later they're still married and in puerto rico.

-now i feel like a tabloid.

-i met l for the first time. he came powerade in hand. and a ton of cavities. go figure. his eyebrows were nicely arched. he plucks them himself. of course i only know these things because i asked him about who does his brows. for some reason i think being a dentist and looking at people's mouths makes me privy to all sorts of personal info, like, people's fav tattoos, relationship drama, gang affiliations, and the answers to a lot of "why?".

-i'm, like, an unsolicited therapist.

-last patient of the day seemed like a normal-looking little boy with generic black features, but then at the very end when he took off his sunglasses, i noticed that his eyes sparkled and he had curly eyelashes. and i wanted to oogle at the adorable-ness. but instead i lectured him about eating too much candy.

-now i feel like a party pooper.

-chris came to k&a today. he's in jennie and john's small group at renewal, just finished m1 year at jeff and part of the smi team in philly. smi is tenth presby's 'summer medical institute' that trains pre-health and health professions students for medical ministry.

-kyungmin went on smi in texas a few years back and i must have sent her something like $20. as a result i've been on smi and tenth presby's mailing list for years. i didn't realize that all these things were based in philly until way after i moved here. the world is too small.

-backed out of my parking space and because my FL tire has been leaking the car lowered onto the parking block. so the bumper caught onto the block and the L side totally got dismantled. i was about to leave but decided i should get out of the car and check it out. indeed, the L side was dismantled. i was hoping that i could bend and snap (ooh, 'bend and snap!'...) it back into place and hopefully NOT have to do something like tie it together with string. within a couple of minutes 3 neighbourhood kids (prolly ages 7-9) came over to take a look.
little girl 1: "your bumper is falling off."
little boy 1: "looks like your bumper is loose. you should say that someone else caused it."
little girl 1: "do you know how to fix cars?"
me: "nope. do you?"
little girl 1: "nope. but my grandpa does. except he's in the house playing video games right now."
me: "okay. i think i can just bend it back together."
little boy 1: "it's loose on this side, but it won't fall off or anything coz it's tight on this side."
i wonder how many times little boy 1 has seen cars fall apart in 'the ghetto'. enough to know which bumpers will fall off and which ones won't!
little girl 1 and little girl 2 exchange secrets.
little girl 1 helps me push the bumper into place.
all 3 kids run off.

-i'm pretty unfazed by the situation. no one jumped me. no one harassed me. my car is still running by God's grace.

-during micronesia missions training my car was broken into (despite being parked in the michigan blue lot next door to DPS). bastard stole my clothes, vitamins and cell phone charger - prolly threw them away. and then [prolly unintentionally] put our missions puppet face down into the pile of shattered glass in the back seat. needless to say it was frustrating and an inconvenience. God challenged me with the thought that i was thinking of doing inner city work, but i had a freak out moment because someone broke the window of my car. i needed to let go. and then hold loosely.

-sometimes i confuse holding loosely with not holding at all, and it gives me an excuse to be lazy and skirt stewardship responsibilities.

-at any rate, this is a wake-up call to finally get all 4 tires replaced (i've been filling up the air on the front tires every other month since early 2009)... hahaha. woe is me and my money. and woe is my car.

-whoa.