that was my goal 2 weeks ago, but then it was a really crazy december. loved it! (so many visitors: jon, antoine, aurelie, cece, crystal, jess!) but then i tend to get burned and then crash, as opposed to crashing and burning. lots of activities going on and some farewells, then escape to the midwest and to the middle of nowhere in wisconsin... all resulting in a bad month for blogging.
i realize writing takes discipline. and as i'm trying to read more, i see that lots of 'novel' ideas are perhaps quite commonplace, but the difference that makes is a writer is the ability/motivation/drive to sit down and just jot it down. esp in a culture of 'doers'... it's hard to be still for a moment. anyway, here's my attempt for the purpose of reflection, moving forward, and GOOD RIDDANCE!
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quick snapshots of patients that i wanted to remember via writing down, so that sometime in the future i might look back and says 'whoa'.
-woman on 5th and indiana who does not go out of the house. reports there was a shooting out side her home halloween weekend.
-D, who, maybe subconsciously thought that local anesthesia was supposed to make her act loopy. so she was totally loopy, and totally entertaining while taking out her tooth.
-C, who was so disgusted that his previous dentist did not use gloves. i would be disgusted too. it's hard to imagine 30 years ago when gloves were not the standard of care. your mouth is not that clean. and my hands are prolly not that clean either. yuck.
-C came back today. he's horrified of needles. we took our time. as a result he thinks we're awesome. a little respect goes a long way. which is hard to execute sometimes in the rush rush of each day.
-R, who brought her sister in for moral support as we removed some teeth. her sister was so excited and reports that she loves blood'n guts. it was standard sibling banter. it was awesome. and if i didn't have to act 'professionally', i woulda chimed in a lot more. i always sympathize w/ little sibling who is getting beat. but deep down inside i find it amusing, but more intriguing when big sibling is finding so much joy in being the oppressor. waah. anyway, R's older sister was taking photos of the bloody tooth fragments and texting them to all 10 siblings and the whole fam. or something ridiculous like that. anyway, taina and i had a great time listening to them go back and forth. R's older sister is currently being pursued by this man they refer to as "troll", whom they met on the internet, because he is apparently so ugly that his behind is more attractive than his face. oh dear! R, on the other hand, has been married 26 years, which is impressive in our community. she can't let go of anything/anyone, including her teeth. it was kind of a struggle to get 'em all out. anyway, the last one was particularly difficult, and when it came out the root was especially long. R wanted to see the culprit, so i showed it to her. she wailed and said, "ooooh! you yanked that out of my soul! you took my mojo! my mojo is gone!"
-M, who made pasteles (puerto rican version of mexican tamales), which is corn meal and veggies beat down, then wrapped in banana leaves for steaming. except monin bought a dozen pasteles from her for 20$ and everyone said she got hustled. M is this tiny little woman who bore 11 children (she named them all for me, and it took 90 seconds coz their names were so spanish and long. i love testing the recall ability of the elderly!)
-D, who is adopted and attends hp christian academy. her mom is soooo intimidating. anything sounds like scolding. kinda like a CW (term for chinese woman, as coined by the uiuc taiwanese american students club, once designated for me/marcia/carolyn when i took over umich tasa). anyway, i was kinda scared. D saw me chewing gum, then she asked, "whatcha eatin'?" instantly mom snaps and yells, "THAT IS NONE OF YO' BIDNESS! MY CHILD IS SO NOSY!" except that she pronounced it 'noozy'. heehee. noozy.
anyway, we saw D a few times. the first time she was dolled up in her school uniform. she sat in the chair and her mom yells, "CLOSE YER LEGS!" D quickly put her legs and feet together. in attempt to break the silence and add a little cushion to the aftershocks of mom's voice, i commented, "yep, honey, that's a good idea, especially if you're wearing a skirt." then her mom goes, "she's got shorts under there. but she needs to sit properly."
okee dokee. i see love in this picture. but it's not the smooth lovey dovey kind. perhaps, though, D is not bothered by harsh tones of voice and perhaps tunes it out or muffles it before the words enter her heart?
-the couple weeks before christmas were especially emotional and i think people just had a lot of holiday depression. i prayed for more patients than any other weeks.
-one woman broke down as she was explaining that when she was young her mother consented to have her front teeth removed and now she's stuck with dealing w/ dentures. of course that is a traumatic experience, but that is the tip of the iceberg in terms of resentment.
-another woman broke down because the holidays are the anniversary of her father's death and her broken tooth was a reminder of that. eeks.
-D broke down after sharing that his cousin was shot in his home the night before. 38 year old man, who had just bought a 2010 cadillac escalade with brand new rims and tvs inside. survived by wife and three kids aged 15, 13 and 10 (around there). someone came into the house, shot and killed him in front of his family then drove off with his truck. i checked the news, coz D said it was already in the news. there was a short bit about, "man shot and killed in north philadelphia", but "motive is undetermined". then a lot of the internet trolls making comments like, "so there goes another one in north philly". lots of stigma against north philly! but for a reason, i suppose, coz the stats speak. it's kinda hard to think of this incident as a 'statistic' though, because now i'm connected, that this is my patient's first cousin we're talking about. which is the same as one in the 2 million displaced in sudan, everyone is someone's daughter/son/mother/father/cousin. i digress... because my thoughts digress all the time. anyway, D was distraught, but still did not want to reschedule his appt. i supposed life needs to go on. and so does dental care. so we did 'something easy', like a simple filling, opting out of his root canal for the day. maybe we can do the root canal in 2011, when there is a fresh start. when hopefully there will be some sort of comforting justice for his cousin's death. when hopefully there will be some sore of relief for his mother who had a past stroke and a recent heart attack, who is now staying w/ D.
not many people can afford a new cadillac in this area. i asked if cousin was into things where he might have enemies. D got my drift and said his cousin earned his money through working in construction (as opposed to dealing drugs). someone apparently just saw the truck, coveted, and killed. sadly, this person didn't realize that a simple stickup or holdup would have probably gotten him the truck. my screaming thoughts were, "if you're going to steal someone's truck, at least wait until AFTER christmas. what a low blow. and if you're going to kill someone, DON'T F****** KILL PEOPLE!!!!!!!! WTF!!!! WHY ARE YOU SO MESSED UP IN THE HEAD?"
of course D was devastated. he reported going to see the family that morning, seeing the blood on the floor and bullet holes in the walls. he felt sick to his stomach.
i can't say that i can relate. it must be weird seeing a previously living substance (blood) staining someone's home, when he is no longer.
i never prayed for someone going through something like this. a lot of things are new to me here in the inner city.
i don't know why God allows these things. i know that God is not please with the idols of our hearts and of our lives. that sometimes he will take extreme measures to chase after us, to remove these idols. but it of course conflicts with his good character. so like in Job, it's Satan inflicting evil upon us, but God is still sovereign and the One who allows it, while in the end we will see his glory.
just understood "hope of glory" just now, as i type.
[pause for moment of silence and awe and wonder]
-L came in shortly before the holidays to report that she needed an estimate of her dental care for the city of philadelphia. story goes that she was in a paddywagon, the vehicle had an accident, she suffered some trauma to the face and reports had 4 teeth knocked out. trauma also killed the nerves in two other front teeth and she'll need root canals or those teeth removed. so we went over her options and then i printed a copy of her treatment plan for her and another for her lawyer.
i didn't know what a paddywagon was, so i asked her. L said it's, like, a police vehicle. she was on her way to court.
i like to deliberate these situations to my coworkers. coz i tend to give wide-eyed, sunshine and rainbows versions of everything my patients tell me - "and then she said THIS! this is so cool!"
and then my coworkers, who have been in the 'hood way longer than i have will give me a more cynical breakdown of what the patients *really* were sayin', "what she really meant was THIS."
me: "oooooh."
so, a paddy wagon typically is a van of some sort, there are no seats in the back, prolly some benches. usually it's to transport people from jail to court.
me: "and then she said that the city of philadelphia is going to pay for all her treatment!!!"
coworkers: "good luck with that."
me: "well, she said she wanted me to quote her the BEST treatment options. i told her to go to a fancy private office and have implants done. she said that she wanted to stay with us at esperanza."
coworkers: "good luck with that."
a few days later, i got a call from L's lawyer, asking for a more detailed explanation of her treatment plan, and also that i could only report treatment that is needed as a result of the accident.
i called L and asked if she had any previous dental records. coz how the herrr am i supposed to know if those teeth were knocked out after a certain date? or, who knows if the cavities in her mouth resulted in some kind of post-traumatic pain, which led to her not being able to brush her teeth? or some saliva gland trauma that led to tooth decay? or some psychological pain leading to fear of the dentist, leading to deterioration of the dentition. maybe i shoulda gone to law school. j/k.
i talked to L's lawyer again and said i would write a narrative of what i think, according to the best of my ability, was the result of a trauma, as opposed to long-standing unattended dental care/poor dental habits/home care. L's lawyer told me that the city is not even acknowledging that L's paddy wagon was in an accident.
okay, i think i get it now. so, the goal is to perhaps be as objective as possible, although i would still like to advocate for my patient's dental health and overall health. very tricky in such a litigious society.
anyway, i still need to write this narrative for her lawyer. and it's been the bane of my existence all throughout my winter holiday break. it's like school again, and like writing essays at the last minute. except it's not for a grade, just for my own reputation and professional responsibility.
Jesus, grant me your grace.
-today M shared that she lost all her teeth in a traffic accident when she was in her mid-20s. her former husband was/is an alcoholic and had frequent episodes of madness. so one day he picked her up from church, was pretty plastered and declared, "today we will die", then purposely crashed the car into something (a wall or another car).
-3 or 4 grown men today who are just hysterically afraid of injections, despite tattoos on their face/neck. my man, I, who has his forehead tattoo that he got while doing time.
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failures:
-my plan is to privately write down all my failures in clinical dentistry, in order to strive for excellence and prevent those from happening again.
-maybe one day i can publish these, if i ever attain 20 years of dentistry under my belt.
-lord jesus, come.
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-today, starting to be overwhelmed by the paperwork and by the lingering 2010 undone to-do list tasks. despite the clear skies, the clinic seemed a little gloomy today. God's 2011 'promise' for me, to be taken to a place where i am utterly dependent on Him, is already taking place.
[exhale]
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